The weight of responsibility
Today is the first day since Sophia’s birth and the subsequent hormonal breakdowns that I have felt challenged by this new role as a mother. When I look at all of the circumstances around me I see that today is no different than yesterday. The only difference is my ability to cope with those circumstances.
By all accounts I have it easy. I have a loving partner, a strong support network and the ability to reach out when I need help (although admittedly I am not so good at actually utilizing that ability.) There are many who have it infinitely worse. My baby is pretty easy going. However, she is a baby who’s only form of communication is a cry, scream, or grunt. I don’t care how compassionate you are…after nights and weeks of sleep deprivation the cry, the scream, and the grunt will start to fray your nerves. The home-bound lifestyle with little interaction with the outside world (save the Internet…ah, the love of a blog) will fray your nerves. We are not talking crisis here. Just a bit worn out and giving it a voice. Perhaps this will help it fall away quicker.
You know, I think it is the responsibility of caring for someone else that is more stressful than the actual caring itself. Even when she sleeps I feel the weight of responsibility. I suppose that will not go away for many, many years - if not decades. I suppose I will get used to that feeling and the weight will not be as great. I suppose when the kid can eat and poop without some sort of action on my part my days will feel a bit easier. He He.
Fortunately nursing has been a bit easier this past week (after a few weeks of the use of a nipple shield. Thank God for silicone). I have healed a bit and can now knit while feeding. At least during those times Ms. “I like to get mad at the boob and scream at it between drinks” is cooperating. So, with that I give you yet another picture of the hat. This one is for posterity sake and also because it makes me feel like I accomplished something - started and finished - that is a good feeling!
Glad to hear the nursing is getting better. And i am VERY impressed you can knit while feeding Sophia, i could never manage that.
As for responsibility, yes, you need to be a responsible and a responsive parent, and it takes a while to get used to, but it does get easier. Also, i found that while i kept my children very close when they were babies (facing many criticisms) now we are all very good at letting go and not get worried. I think it was a very good investment of my time and energy, which is paying me back in a myriad of ways.
The crying, you just have to put up with somehow, hope blogging about it will make you feel much better!
19 Mar 2007 at 2:36 pm
I have been there and done that twice and I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. I think it was six months before I felt like a real adult again, and didn’t wait until 4 in the afternoon to get dressed.
You’re doing great. Baby looks happy and hey, you got out AND you were both dressed. Color? We don’t need no stinkin’ color wheel!
19 Mar 2007 at 2:53 pm
Wendy,
I wish I had some bit of wisdom to give you to help get you through this difficult time. I do want to acknowledge that mothering your newborn is a difficult, incredibly challenging time. I spent the first year of my first child’s life in a state of anxiety. I still experience anxiety when we reach certain milestones in her life, like putting her on a bus to kindergarten for the first time, or the first time someone was mean to her in school. But with my second child, my son, I have been relaxed and blessed with perspective.
But the best piece of advice I can give to you is: go to the calendar. Count 100 days from Sophia’s birthday. Circle the 100th day. This is the time that you should start to feel OK again. Seriously. It’s totally true. Until then, do whatever it takes to get you, Rob, and Sophia through these next few months in one piece, no matter what the books say. And don’t read newspapers and give the baby books a rest.
You’ll make it. I promise. Until then, go easy on yourself, and welcome to the club.
xo
19 Mar 2007 at 3:30 pm
Nods head. IT IS HARD. Keep talking and be honest with where you are and accept help. It does get easier but those first few months are soooooo hard. And don’t compare yourself to anyone else…everyone deals differently. I will tell you one thing that really helped me after I had Syd…Bach Flower Rescue Remedy and also Motherwort Tincture and lots of Omega 3’s. I had PPD and it helped a ton. Try to get some time to yourself too. I know that’s hard and you’ll feel guilty but DON’T. It’s exhausting taking care of someone else full time. Invite your knitting girls over and tell them to bring all the food and drink and have your dh watch the baby or go for a walk with her.
Thinking of you.
19 Mar 2007 at 5:03 pm
The responsibility thing gets easier. Or maybe just different but you definitely get used to it.
19 Mar 2007 at 5:54 pm
I wish I could offer some words of wisdom for you, but I’m not a mother, so I can only imagine. But your writing is doing a good job of putting me there, and I think I can understand. It’s like a thought at the back of your mind that never goes away. My mother always said that a mother never stops worrying. What I think she meant is that some of your energy will always go toward your child, whether in physically doing something to support their growth, or even just thinking about them when they’re off at college.
Hang in there. You know you have a wonderful family and much to be thankful for. For all the other hard stuff, so many people have said that it’s worth it. So, listen to them. They’re smart.
xxoo,
E
19 Mar 2007 at 6:15 pm
Ugh, I am totally with you. I love it when my husband or in-laws or other relatives want to take Beatrix and play with her because it means that I don’t have to be The Responsible One in charge. It’s not that I want to leave her - I don’t - but I get so tired of being The Responsible One all the time. I keep thinking the same thing you do - I have plenty of help and support. I would go mad on my own, I think.
In my brief experience, the weight of responsibility thing improves, somewhere around 4 months. Maybe it’s that the baby doesn’t need every.single.thing. done for her and she can interact more with the world at that age, I don’t know.
Hang in there!
19 Mar 2007 at 8:15 pm
P.S. We had a party when Beatrix turned 6 months. To celebrate that all three of us were still alive and stuff. I highly recommend it…
19 Mar 2007 at 8:17 pm
I agree about the weight of responsibility, I think you just learn to adapt to it over time. I remember when we first came home with our son, I kept thinking, why did they just let us leave the hospital, there should be a test or something… Sometimes I still feel that way, but it’s all worth it. And yes, when her cutenss starts needing to nurse less, you will feel completely different. I felt both liberated and a little deflated…it’s pretty cool being responsible for the sustenance of a mini-you…
19 Mar 2007 at 8:39 pm
Hang in there… and, far as I can tell, talking about it makes all the difference in the world - vent to us, and then you’ll also have a way to look back… *hugs*
19 Mar 2007 at 8:45 pm
It does get easier. Once the sleep part settles down, you can start getting used to the responsibility part. And they start to interact with you. The first time they smile in response to something you’ve done is just priceless.
19 Mar 2007 at 10:33 pm
I’m smiling and nodding in agreement; every single mother has gone through the same thing that you’ve voiced so well. It is the weight of nonstop responsibility, and not so much the actual doing for someone you love so much. I made my grandmother laugh hysterically when I was anxiously waiting for the results of my amniocentesis, and I told her that “I couldn’t wait for the baby to be born so I could stop worrying so much.” My sons are now 13 & 16, and the weight of responsibility still weighs heavy, but now I have much less control. Get some sleep when you can, get some help when you need it, and enjoy your accomplishments - hand knitted hats and a lovely baby!
20 Mar 2007 at 5:37 am
Love the color of that hat. My brother is 48 and my mom couldn’t get through to him via phone for over 2 days–she was in a major panic. (Phone was off the hook due to crazy ex-girlfriend). Anyway, there will be good days and bad. I just finished reading BelBluMama’s First Year post. Her one word–Hard. And it is. Throw those lifelines out when you need to. Rely on the support of your family and friends. Both in real life and via the internet. If just saying it helps–well that’s just terrific.
I didn’t ask for help with Gracie but did with Cam and Owen. It changed my experiences greatly. For the better!
And wow–I can’t believe you can nurse and knit.
20 Mar 2007 at 6:42 am
Hello… never commented before, just a lurker. I wanted to tell you to take things a day at a time. I remember those early parenting days. My first was born in December and my husband worked from 2pm to 10 pm every day. I remember when it started getting dark around 4:30 and just feeling this doom set in. I felt so alone and it was so dark for so long. Of course I was getting really bad sleep, too. Mine nursed about every hour and a half and didn’t nap very much. I was so tired for so long, I became almost resentful of anyone asking me to do anything or go anywhere because if I might be able to catch a little sleep here and there, I didn’t want to miss the chance.
I remember asking a friend, hell EVERY friend, “How long before your baby slept through the night?” I remember one person saying, “Don’t worry, all babies are pretty much sleeping through the night by the time they are two (I’m waiting for the word MONTHS here)…. YEARS old.” I hung up the phone and started crying.
I remember thinking, “Oh, I made the biggest mistake becoming a mother,” at 3 am feeding a baby in the dark for the umpteenth night in a row, finding myself wishing I could just go to sleep for one night and have someone else take care of him.
Now, I have two, and they are 6 and 8 years old. Those days when they can’t do anything without you, they can’t move or eat or anything without you, let me tell you, they go by so fast. And everyone tells you that. And it sounds so trite. Until you wake up one day and your baby has its first tooth or is talking or riding a tricycle or something amazing. Until you start to experience the world through their eyes, where everything is a first, and they give you a beautiful and thrilling gift every time they gape at something in wide-eyed wonder. And you wish, for a moment or two, that you could go back to those dark early mornings and hold your baby like that, in its infancy, just one more time.
Hang in there. Parenting, perhaps aside from marriage, is the toughest job there is. Things will get easier in some ways, and harder in new ways. There is rarely any “consistent,” because they change so quickly and learn so fast. In a few years, the initial six months will seem like the blink of any eye and you’ll feel like an old pro.
Be kind to yourself in little ways. Go to movies while she can still sleep and nurse and can’t walk. Put her in a backpack and take a nice long walk. Take hot baths or sleep or do puzzles. One of the best things I did was spend the summer (he was between 6 and 9 months old) travelling to see people. Babies sleep so well in the car while you are travelling. I took off, just the two of us, and visited distant friends and relatives for a week at a time. I’d stop the car, nurse him, take a walk to stretch my legs, and keep moving on. Those were great visits, and it gets harder to travel with them once they want to get up and move around.
Most of all, try to live in the moment without looking to the future. The future will come soon enough.
Okay. That’s it from this lurker. I just felt compelled to share with you. Breathe, smile, and relax. You’ll be just fine, and so will Sophia.
Suzanne in Ohio
20 Mar 2007 at 7:22 am
I am with you on this! Ah, but I am a few months ahead of you so I will confidently look back and tell you the day is coming (not tomorrow or next week) when you will look around and sigh because everything is just right, just as it should be, including you. That resonsibility weight is still there, but somehow it becomes a badge of honor. I’m so proud of Baby Jeneric, proud of her smiles and accomplishments, proud to worry over someone so fantastic. So when everyone says to give it time, trust them - it’s true.
20 Mar 2007 at 8:00 am
I too am a big time lurker, first time poster her (typing one handed with my 7 mo. old on my lap) and I want to second EVERYONES comments, esp Suzanne. That feeling of being so alone - except for a baby depending on your every move - can be really overwhelming (like when hubby goes to work). But everyone is right about one thing - it gets easier. You look back at 6 mo and think hey, this is a piece of cake. Or at least you say, hey this isn’t so bad. I love Suzanne’s suggestions. Get out a little bit - the car and the baby carrier are your friend. You’ll learn all the places in your area you can feed/change a baby (bookstores are great for that) and they make a really great changing pad for the car which I really found the easiest. Keep up with your friends - company really helps.
And now I should really take my own advise. The winter weather has made my boys and me a little shut in and it has been getting to me - major case of cabin fever mixed with no desire to deal with going out. I really have enjoyed your blog. Keep up the great work - at home and here.
Jen in NJ
20 Mar 2007 at 8:40 am
Frayed nerves is a nice way of putting it…After weeks of nursing, sometimes the feeling of just being a walking milk machine is enough to drive me crazy. Mine is 2 months old today and I’m at my first day back to work…It’s not a good day. I just pumped almost 8 ounces and almost walked out of my office withmy shirt wide open (force of habit!)But being a mommy means you will do what you have to do!
My saving grace? Now Phil is starting to smile. So when I go to feed him at 4AM, he now looks up at me, recognizes me, and gives me a HUGE smile. Since this has started, I feel rewarded for those first few months. Hang in there-those baby smiles and giggles will make it all worthwhile.
20 Mar 2007 at 11:26 am
Oh, honey, I swear it does get easier! I remember being absolutely certain that my life was over, and that I had made a horrible mistake that could never be fixed, even though I adored both of my babies. In retrospect, I realize that becoming a mother is, for most of us, by far the biggest and most traumatic transition we’ll ever make–and we generally have to do it alone, suffering severe sleep deprivation and unpredictable hormonal changes, while everyone else is going on with their lives.
Even having the best partner in the world doesn’t prevent you from feeling resentment when he sails out the door to work in the morning, to interact with other adults, have a coffee break and a lunch break, and go to the bathroom uninterrupted, all without anyone sucking on his boobs for several hours a day, while you are stuck alone in the house with a crying, pooping, demanding little creature that probably won’t give you a moment’s peace, no matter how exhausted you are.
The first few months are the hardest, and then it slowly gets easier, until one day you realize that your life has become so much easier–that it’s your life again, only different than it was before kids–and you have terrific little people to show for all your hard, hard work.
My boys are seven and nine now, and those baby days are long gone, but the memories are crystal clear. This is one of the hardest things you will ever do–but it is worth it.
20 Mar 2007 at 3:33 pm
You will have your good days and not so good. And when the growth spurts hit, it really does fray the nerves. But you will get used to it more and more and she will get more and more “attachment promoting,” smiling and laughing and giving you more and more joy and satisfaction, truly. Just try not to feel guilty when you wish you had a break. We all do. And we all feel guilty, I think.
Mine are 8 and 5 and even now, when they are here, I am “on.” Only when they are both at school do I feel like I can take a little time for myself. The responsibility does weigh, even when they’re sleeping. But remember you’re doing a great thing for the world, giving it one more loving, well-adjusted, happy-making person. What a great gift!
20 Mar 2007 at 8:22 pm
It does stop feeling like responsibility, and becomes what you’re suppose to be doing. The in-&-out with the car-seat, stroller, stopping to nurse, changing diapers, just becomes the thing you do. My H & I were big on swapping diaper changes. By the 3rd day, he says, “We’re going to be changing diapers for the next 3 years.”
When my son was a newborn, I always hated when people would tell me that it was worth it. I know that it’s worth it, but it kind of sucks right now! He had colic and would nurse nonstop. So for the first 3 months it was screaming and sucking all day. I just don’t like that newborn phase. Even if he slept during the day and didn’t need to be carried every second, I would still hate that phase. Once he started to smile and interact, it got better. I didn’t have postpartum, but I didn’t have the euphoric bliss that you see on TV & other people tell you about. I think those people forget the early days with your first baby.
22 Mar 2007 at 8:11 am
I’m at such a different place with the parenting — kids learning to drive, buying cars, going to college, getting jobs, dyeing their hair, piercing things, tattooing other things… The responsibility changes, may even lessen a bit, but once you’ve felt it, it’s yours forever.
And yet, I can still remember those days when they were babies. Some of them were bliss, some of them were hell, most of them were in between. Actually, that’s pretty much how it is throughout the childhood years… life. The very, very best thing (or the very worst — it depends) about little babies is that they are constantly changing and growing and a situation that’s less than ideal today will probably change by next week… or the week after. There might be a DIFFERENT situation that’s less than perfect, but that’ll change, too. It’s a process.
You’re doing great. Get rest when you can. Take all the hugs you can get. Here’s one now… ((HUG)). Be good to yourself.
22 Mar 2007 at 10:52 am
Wendy, sorry to hear that you’re having a rough few days. Responsibility does weigh heavily, ’tis true. It’s hard to take time for you when you’re so busy giving, giving, giving…
Sounds like you need a date night. Those helped IMMENSELY when the boys were little. Trust me — it does get easier when they can start being a little more self-sufficient (which is something I’m contemplating quite a bit these days with a third on the way when #2 is SIX). Remember, too, the old thing my mom used to tell me — just when you think you’re ready to toss them out the window they do something like roll over or say “mama” … and the stress melts away. Things change … and these early days go by so quickly (in retrospect) that it’s hard to believe that you won’t always remember these hard days as vividly.
Hang in there … it does get better!
22 Mar 2007 at 1:49 pm
It really does get better.
When my daughter was a few weeks old I took her to the store to buy some baby items. While standing in line at the register, a woman with an older baby said, “Oh, it goes so fast!” I couldn’t believe it! I was thinking, this has been the longest two weeks of my life! Of course it was a wonderful two weeks, but I was feeling a bit fried.
Soon your hormones will level out, nursing will get easier, your daughter will sleep longer and life will smooth out…it will.
Jen
22 Mar 2007 at 2:04 pm
I see the moomy glands have kicked in;) They NEVER go away. Just sayin-Just keep going the way you are, everything’s going to be great!
22 Mar 2007 at 6:30 pm
I haven’t commented before, but I have to just offer my support. I have a 3 1/2 month old, and sometimes things seem overwhelming. It is harder when you have breastfeeding issues. When I realized (with the help of a great lactation consultant) that I wouldn’t have enough of milk supply, the emotions were so intense. We tried all sorts of things, and what worked for us was the nipple shield (and bottles to supplement). That shield was my lifeline. It let Madelyn latch on without becoming so frustrated. I know the shrieking-baby-at-breast feeling so well. She’s only recently started to be able to latch on well without the shield, but when we’re in a strange place or she’s overtired and starting to get frustrated at the breast, we take it out again. I keep one in that diaper bag in a binkie holder.
Now that I’ve pitched in my 2 cents, I’d like to say that I hope things are going better. You’re in my thoughts.
22 Mar 2007 at 7:30 pm
Thanks for the honesty! As a person without a little one it is good to hear an honest voice about the experience. Hang in there & hope you get some rest.
Nice job on the hat! Love the spring colors - while on the calendar as officially spring, it will be nice when it actually arrives.
22 Mar 2007 at 7:35 pm
Wow, I wish I had some good motherly advice for you… I am sure it will get easier over time. I saw this thing on Oprah about the baby language- have you heard of that? I wish I could remember what it was- a book? dvd?
This is the most unhelpful comment ever. gah.
Super cute hat though.
22 Mar 2007 at 10:02 pm
Another lurker here. As the mother of a 15 month who was just finally weaned in the last week I can assure you it all gets easier, like everyone says. You would not believe the things I’ve managed to do while breasteeding! And I almost gave up several times during the first few weeks.
BTW your baby is adorable!
23 Mar 2007 at 12:44 pm
Is this the comment thread to delurk? Delurking to say that some days it will get easier. Yes some days, not some day. There are just about always going to be rough days. But then there are baby smiles, and gurgles and I love you Mama’s and that kind of stuff that make even the worst days wonderful.
Love your site. The little one is TOO CUTE. I was scrolling through your current posts with my 4 year old daughter. She LOVES looking at pictures of cute babies. I think the superbaby/ladybug slipper pic was her favorite.
I also have a 4 month old little guy. Even the second time around is an adjustment. But the smiles, oh the smiles!
Hang in there.
23 Mar 2007 at 5:21 pm
Today is Monday and I am pooped
I was hoping to sit and write some kind of witty reparte. Or at the very least some kind of words. I guess I am technically fulfilling my wish, as these are words.
I am feeling drained. I would…
25 Mar 2007 at 8:31 am
Liz and Suzanne are right on target. I wish I’d had semi-anonymous people that I could turn to when my breasts were about to explode and I thought my nipples would (or should) fall off, or the little darling was going to bite them off. (She knows who she is….) They learn amazingly fast and will tell you as best they can what they like and don’t like, and what they need. I got two pieces of advice early on that were helpful: 1. Say “Yes” to everything that doesn’t obviously need a “no.” 2. Strive only to be a “good-enough” mother. That is in itself a lofty goal, but will allow you to be human (which attempting to be a “perfect mother” will not). Sweet dreams, dear.
28 Mar 2007 at 12:48 am
Bloglines never picked up this post as new for me, so I’m just now seeing it. Just another nod of complete understanding of this feeling. The weight of responsibility starts to feel lighter as your body and brain adjust to its constant presence. Some days are joy (even if you haven’t had one yet, they are there in the future waiting for you)some are hell and some are just ok. You’re doing a great job.
28 Mar 2007 at 9:44 am
Bloglines IS being cranky isn’t it? I only just got to see this one too. There’s some amazing stuff being said here, and as someone who is about to be facing down the maw of this exact beast, thanks for sharing. All of you.
Also, you want a babysitter, honey, you just ask. I know you know this, but sometimes it pays to hear it frequently. And date nights (or sleep nights, whatever) are good for the soul.
28 Mar 2007 at 11:14 am
Somehow I missed this. I’ve heard (and seen - with my sister’s kids) that three months is when things start to settle down and aren’t so “new.” Not too much longer now.
I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better and got to visit with your family.
L, C
28 Mar 2007 at 12:12 pm
You know, every stage in a child’s life brings a different challenge…a different level of responsibility that you have to face. Just when you think you can’t do it, you find that you can. The burden of it, the responsibility of parenting becomes a part of you in the best sense and it’s something that never leaves you and that you wouldn’t trade for the world. Gosh. Did that make any sense? Hang in there, honey. Cherish every moment that you can and don’t forget to take care of yourself.
My own hormonal crash was tough. I’ll share it with you privately if you’d like.
28 Mar 2007 at 12:31 pm
Yeah, me too….missed this ’til now.
I’m sort of with Vicki, although my young adult daughter is about to graduate college and go off into the world on her own. She and her boyfriend were looking at apartments in NYC last week! She’s freaking out about money and wanting to be self-sufficient, and I’m trying to encourage her to follow her dreams rather than go the “safe” route. I think I might be a Weird Parent after all. (that was our favorite book to read her when she was a little girl — some little skinny little book called “Weird Parents.”)
But she was an AWFULLY difficult baby and toddler. And preteen. If she had not gone to boarding school (her wish, not ours; again it was to follow her dreams), in between the moments of deep, soul-crushing love, one of us might have killed each other. She has turned into the most marvelous teenager and young adult. The weight of responsibility, I am here to tell you, doesn’t really get that much lighter. But the payback is in so worth it. But you already knew that, I think.
HUGs. Love you.
28 Mar 2007 at 2:10 pm
I’m so glad to hear the nursing is getting easier. The shrieking-baby-at-the-boob IS a killer. It certainly killed me. I’m glad the shield helped you!!
The responsibility thing - I hear ya. The way I always phrased it in my head was being catapulted into adulthood. Some adults are still like kids or still have the freedom that I think I had in my twenties…but when you have babies that freedom totally goes away. Even if your personality is still young at heart, the kid thing demands that you be an adult. All.The.Time. It is tiring. But damn if it doesn’t make you a Very Strong Person, no? Just when you think you’ve run out of endurance, you seem to keep going and do just fine.
28 Mar 2007 at 2:29 pm
It is a most challenging time. Every age has it’s triumps and challenges. The worries, though, never stop! =)
Please be sure to give yourself brakes. Even if it is to sit and stare at a wall. Find a “play group”. More important for you than her at this stage.
And. Don’t feel bad if you must go to some bottle feeding to save your sanity. Do what you have to do. You will come out the other side. I promise.
So help me Bob.
xoxo
28 Mar 2007 at 2:41 pm
As soon as the semester is over, you know that I am at your beck and call (er… Sophia’s cry and grunt) right? You and Rob can go out on dates, go do the grocery shopping, whatever you want. SERIOUSLY. I do not make this offer lightly. (and it will be rescinded as soon as she turns about 2).
28 Mar 2007 at 8:58 pm
I won’t bother with the “it gets easier” advice, because everyone hear has said it better than I ever could. But I would tell you to keep in mind, that like anything else, it’s hard to keep perspective when you’re in the thick of it. You’re doing GREAT, and you won’t realize how well you’re really doing until you get into Sophia’s next phase and you can look back on these days and be dumb-founded by everything that you managed to accomplish. Delma is 7 months old now, and when I look back at the first few months, when it felt like all I was managing to do every day was put one front of the other and bumble through the day, I realize how much more I was really doing but just didn’t have the clarity to see. Getting up and out of the house, getting some knitting done, visiting with friends and family, it’s all food for the soul and it’s all little stuff that makes you a happier/healthier/better mom and makes Sophia’s world a great place to be.
29 Mar 2007 at 7:06 am