Conversation
Scene: Yesterday. Sophia’s Pediatricians Office (who we lovingly refer to as Dr. Tool). She’s here for her two-month check up, although she is just over 10 weeks now. The Doctor hasn’t yet entered the office.
Bookish Girl: Robby, look through the drawers and find some Chux Pads.
Robby: Are you asking me to steal these?
BG: The lactation consultant told me to do this. She said that they will come in handy when I am pumping in my office at work. They’ll absorb any spills, you know how clumsy I am. Besides, it is not really stealing…our insurance is paying an arm and a leg for our visit and these supplies are part of our visit. Just grab them!
Robby gives Bookish Girl “the look”. Clearly he doesn’t approve of this rationalization. He reluctantly stuffs three Chux Pads into the diaper bag as he stares at the door out of the corner of his eyes.
Robby: What if Dr. Tool walks in?
BG: He won’t care - we’ll just tell him why we need them.
Meanwhile - I am nursing Sophia. She had a bit of a melt down as soon as we walk in the door. I think she knows she is going to get stabbed with a needle during the visit.
The Dr enters with a third year med student who will take our initial information, he is about 12 years old. I continue to breast feed throughout the exam with both Drs. present and in full view of my boob.
We finish the exam, Sophia is stuck with the needles (as a side note: I don’t think I’ll ever be the same, that scream will live with me forever.), and the Drs. leave. I am trying to calm Sophia who has reached epic levels of panic. I look over at Rob who is stuffing MORE CHUX PADS into our bag.
BG: What are you doing? You were barely able to grab those before!
R: The doctors got to see your boobs. This is a give and take relationship and they have to pay up with SOMETHING. They see your boobs. We get to take home more Chux pads.
Our marriage has reached a new level.
A look at my boobs is equal in value to a stack of Chux pads…super absorbent hospital grade Chux pads.
Watch out girls - the jealousy may kill you.
can’t type. trying to stifle giggles here.
18 Apr 2007 at 11:02 am
That’s absolutely hilarious. As a mom of two (soon to be three), I never, ever thought to do that. But now, with the third coming and lots of those visits in my future, I have a more defined plan than ever
That scream will live with you, but never fear … the first is the hardest (though they never truly get better, they just sting a little less).
18 Apr 2007 at 11:18 am
Gods, he sounds just like my husband. Men are so funny.
Sorry for Sophia - if it makes it any better, it’s highly unlikely she’ll remember the needles, and her silence if she were to become deathly ill would probably be worse. (That sounds terribly morbid - but I suppose it’s true…)
18 Apr 2007 at 11:22 am
I’ve seen your boobs while you were breasfeeding. What do I owe Rob for the pleasure?
18 Apr 2007 at 1:36 pm
I will never forget the first time I went to visit my best friend from college after she had her baby. We went a full year of being roommates without me ever seeing her boobs, then all of a sudden, it was all boobs, all the time (not in a bad way though). This is a very funny post, and it really reminded me of that visit. Sounds like your husband has a good head on his shoulders, and you both have a diaper full of usefull things! And I never commented before to say it, but Sophia is beautiful!
18 Apr 2007 at 1:40 pm
ROFL
What a great story.
18 Apr 2007 at 1:44 pm
I am crying, I am laughing so hard I am crying.
18 Apr 2007 at 1:55 pm
That’s so funny and I can just picture Rob doing that! I’d say your boobs are worth more than that, though.
18 Apr 2007 at 2:08 pm
Wish I would have though of it that way. You’ll get used to it, sort of-just a mom thing. Man! When I think of all the Chux I could have owned, it just makes me weepy.
18 Apr 2007 at 2:16 pm
I remember that first check up and the first immunizations… I had myself so psyched up for the shots and the pain and the crying. It was heartbreaking in the moment, but then there are more shots at 4 and 6 and 9 and 12 months, and so on, and you start to get used to it a little.
Aren’t the boobs amazing/hilarious? hee hee!
18 Apr 2007 at 2:17 pm
Now I know what to bring as a hostess present next time I come over.
Just for the record: my boobs are worth a case of 2005 Burgundy Grand Cru.
18 Apr 2007 at 2:25 pm
OMG! That is just too funny
18 Apr 2007 at 3:49 pm
Really, back up the truck for the Chux!!
18 Apr 2007 at 3:51 pm
Hey! chux are great for defrosting the freezer too.
We did the one-year shots yesterday. It never gets any easier…
18 Apr 2007 at 4:23 pm
Ugh. Kid doctor visits. I hated the pediatrician’s office as a kid (germy toys, sickly “kid-friendly” wallpaper, stupid jokes) and it all came rushing back to me as an adult. I will do anything to get out of a trip to the pediatrician’s office with Beatrix! At least you got something out of it! heh.
18 Apr 2007 at 5:04 pm
Boobs are priceless, dude. That’s why even gay guys like ‘em.
18 Apr 2007 at 5:53 pm
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it. Wow, that takes me back though.
18 Apr 2007 at 6:07 pm
OK, I’m officially de-lurking after reading your blog for about a year or so.
That was probably one of the funniest blog entries I’ve ever read.
Seriously.
I even sent the link to friends. It’s sitcom ready. Don’t be surprised if it ends up on that new show “Notes from the Underbelly.”
18 Apr 2007 at 7:04 pm
I swear, after having my first child, I could walk down the street naked and not have been embarrassed. My body just didn’t feel like it belonged to me anymore. I’m finally taking possession again now that the kids are 8 & 10.
18 Apr 2007 at 9:54 pm
That is too freaking funny. hahaha
What else can you pay for with boobs??? The mind reels.
18 Apr 2007 at 10:28 pm
We don’t vax so I don’t know what that scream sounds like, but I can just imagine.
That Chux story will live on forever! Bwahahaha..
18 Apr 2007 at 11:24 pm
Awesome.
So Chux pads are Momma’s mardi gras beads?
Good to know, good to know.
19 Apr 2007 at 1:15 am
Sophia won’t remember the pain from the needle… don’t worry. It’s more of a “hey! that’s a new thing and I don’t like it!” scream, I’m sure.
And, wow… sounds like Rob is a keeper!
19 Apr 2007 at 7:51 am
it’s even better when you can hear Rob saying it, deadpan and with his accent. Great story! I think it should go in the baby book!
19 Apr 2007 at 10:02 am
I return to work next week, and one of the few perks (for me, anyway) of my postdoc in a lab is the unlimited supply of chux pads. I had a supply at home and in the car in case my water broke, and I will definitely be using them when I pump at work. If you need any between doctors visits, just holler, and I’ll hook you up! I have no problem using as many as I need and sharing the wealth, since the “important” place at which I work can re-landscape every month, but can’t seem to find the resources for on-site daycare.
Thanks for your note yesterday. I know how much time and energy it takes to write and send an email, especially to a complete stranger. Much appreciated!
19 Apr 2007 at 11:55 am
That was laugh out loud funny.
19 Apr 2007 at 1:29 pm
Ha! Ha! Ha! Hope Doogie Howser MD was kind to you, it seems like your husband a good sense of fairness. Thanks for sharing this one…so, when are you writing your funny-knitting-mommy book?
19 Apr 2007 at 2:49 pm
that was a hoot . lets face it, boob are power!
19 Apr 2007 at 4:53 pm
That is a hysterical story.
19 Apr 2007 at 9:42 pm
That made me laugh out loud. I can so see Rob doing that.
20 Apr 2007 at 9:23 am
This is seriously the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. We stole TONS of stuff when the Biscuit was little. From the hospital, the doctor… I mean, why only two days of the magical icy maxi pad? Clearly four days at least are necessary!
20 Apr 2007 at 9:52 am
How. Sweet. Is that.
Aaawwwww!
20 Apr 2007 at 11:00 am
That is hilarious!
So sad to imagine that cry - you Moms are made of strong stuff.
20 Apr 2007 at 12:01 pm
Our pediatrician, with the help of a nurse, used to like to give his patients 2 immunizations (maybe DPT & MMR?) at the same time so the child just felt one “burst” of pain. They wanted me to lie across my children’s legs to hold them down during the process, but I had to refuse; bad enough I had to hear “the scream”.
When Sophia gets a little older and possibly needs some sort of Rx, especially antibiotics, be sure and ask if the dr. has any samples. The drug reps. deliver the stuff by the caseload, so our dr. always had plenty of antibiotics, antihistamine, cough meds., sometimes even first aid kits, digital thermometers, acetaminophen & iboprofen. Just ask - no stealing necessary! You may want to consider a larger diaper bag?
20 Apr 2007 at 3:57 pm
That is totally a fair trade.
And all the new young doctors are looking 12 to me. I think their mothers have to drive them to work. Does that mean I’m getting old?
22 Apr 2007 at 11:07 am
I keep getting the giggles over this.
Incidentally, it’s been weeks since we got to see a baby picture or knitting. I would be more than happy to settle for a baby picture and not bring up the knitting again.
23 Apr 2007 at 8:31 pm
And what’s the price for touching them?! I was positively groped by the lactation people at the hospital!
Pumping while working is quite the experience! Best of luck to you (its definitely worth the effort!)
24 Apr 2007 at 11:53 am
you need to publish this stuff. too freaking funny.
01 May 2007 at 11:39 pm