Monday, Monday…La La, La, La, La, LAAAAAAAAAA
Posted by Bookish Wendy in Girl, You are CrazyI have a pretty fluid work/home relationship. I try not the bring the stress of work home with me or vice-versa. But I do work at home often and play at work only sometimes (damn that Elinor and her Scrabulous). The fact of the matter is - my job requires more than 40 hours/week of my time. In general, I’m okay with that. I like my job and I want to be good at what I do. I want to meet my personal goals. I want to meet the goals of the job. I am respected at work, I have a great management support system, and I work hard to gain and improve that infrastructure.
But more importantly, I want to be a great mother and wife. And that requires more of not only my time, but my mental space and energy.
Oy. The conflict.
So, I keep my office hours to at least 40 hours and work after baby goes to sleep. It’s still not enough time to get my bills paid, clean the kitchen and, not the mention, unpack and finish renovating a house. There is also not enough time to meet the needs of the day job. I get the bare minimum done, and I hit some goals, but not all. It’s also not enough time to be spending with my family. Frantic morning hours, a quick thrown together dinner, and some play time before bath and bed.
I’m working hard to eliminate the guilt, frustration, and dissatifaction inherent in the perfectionist brain that is mine.
I know many of you have been there - with or without a kid. We all face so many of the same conflicts.
How. Do. You. Do. It.?!
I have no answers.
A beer (or even a half of a beer) helps sometimes! As does copious chocolate.
Something’s gotta give! Serious housework went on the back burner for several years! I did it and the early years are tough. My only advice is make sure you’ve got some time for you. My babe is 17 today but when he was two it was so difficult. You’ll make it! And ditto on the beer!
I’m amazed at how you moms do it, because I have a hard enough time just keeping up with my own stuff.
I don’t think there are any perfect answers to this one. And certainly I don’t have any advice for your situation, since the right balance is different for everyone. But I think Patty’s right–something’s gotta give, at least for the short term.
My personal compromise (arrived at after trying to stay at home full time and going more than a little nuts) is to work half-time. I’m lucky enough that this is, if not common, then readily accepted at my workplace. So Jacob goes to preschool half-time, I work from home, and then we have each afternoon together. For us, it’s a fantastic balance.
Some of my friends hired a housecleaning service, others just gave up on sleep, several stagger their work schedules with their spouse so that each person gets a nice chunk of time with the kiddo(s)… and remember, as they get older it does get a lot easier. Jacob is almost 3, and it’s amazing to me how independent and self-sufficient he’s become compared to almost 2.
Good luck!
I feel ya! While I am definitely no poster child for having it all together, I hired a housekeeping service. I realize that not everyone can do that, but if I didn’t have it, my house would be a wreck. I have also been trying not to work too much after the kiddo goes to bed because I need some “me” time. I find that I have more energy the next day if I do that, and it keeps me liking my job instead of resenting it. But, it’s hard and it depends on the day if I feel like I have it all together or have nothing together and it’s usually the latter.
I never let my mother (or anyone) guilt me into living up to her expections and/or standards. Still don’t. I marched to my own drummer in terms of how things balanced — what was important to me, what didn’t matter, what worked, where I could get help, when to re-evaluate. Things are always changing, you know? You know, as long as you’re not sticking to the floor, you can get the vacuum out now and then, you keep up with the laundry, swish some toilet cleaner around now and then… Even cooking will evolve — it won’t be long before you’ll have a little assistant who will be MORE than happy to help, or at least be more willing to play happily nearby and give you more time.
XO. It’ll all work out! ; )
I had to come back and tell you that “Happy Together” is playing on the radio RIGHT NOW. It always makes me a) happy b) think of you. Right now, I also think it’s a sign. What makes you happiest, Wendy? Paying attention to that is going to make you better (and happier) at EVERYTHING!
Not. Very. Well.
It’s even worse when you don’t really like the job all that much. My house is a disaster and most of the time I’m okay with that (at least I tell myself I am). I do all of my cleaning in 5 minute spurts. Which means I never get that “clean house” feeling. Unfortunately the In-Laws are coming next weekend. I see an all-night cleaning marathon in my future.
Prioritize. Imagine yourself looking back on your life from ten years in the future. Will you regret not mopping the floor that day, or kinda-almost dropping the ball on that project for work? Or will you regret not setting clear enough boundaries with work/life/stress and missing out on some relaxing moments with the family? Or, from another angle, what will be the moments and accomplishments that you treasure the most? Make more time for those things that bring joy to your life.
Let everything else fall by the wayside. And don’t feel guilty about it.
I do what I like, and do what I must and just accept that I can not do it all. I have explained to my kid on more than one occassion that not everyone has a community sock basket to pull their socks from every morning and that landry isn’t normally (well, at our place it is) littered all over one’s living room during the week. Sometimes it gets hard to balance everything, but you do what’s important in the end (and I subscribe to the philosophy that The Mom must be happy if others in the househould are going to be).
I don’t have kids, but even without kids it seems hard sometimes to get it all done. I want to make dinner, but I require my kitchen to start out mostly spotless (or I just won’t cook). I like things to be clean, but never seem to have the energy to do so.
I find that I let things go in waves. I’ll do the bare minimum for weeks, probably months, and then I will just get a burst of energy and vacuum, wash floors, clean the tub, etc. I have a schedule for doing these things, but it is a guideline that is always going by the wayside. I can only assume that it will get worse when I have kids. I am just lucky that my job isn’t something I can truly take home with me.
I don’t have kids and I am major control/organization freak. And, it took awhile,but my biggest hurdle was learning that since I have a partner (Dan), I don’t have to do it all. I think women have a hard time with this: I used to feel guilty asking Dan to wash dishes. one day I was saying something to a friend and she said ‘whoa. he’s not the only one who works in that house, is he?’ and I agreed. So, we share work, I skip lunch (eat at my desk) to do 45 hours a week without missing out on ‘home time’ and I have learned that somethings are just going to have to be ‘let go’. I agree with whomever suggested a cleaning person. several of my friends have on– nothing fancy, just a few hours once a week (or every two)— they do the “hard stuff” and you do the “wipe down the counters” and pick-up-stuff. Oh, and for the cooking thing: I love love love my crockpot and i cook for two in it alot! (email for recipes if you like)— 10 minutes in the a.m. and dinner’s ready when you get home!!!!
I try to imagine having kids (or just one kid) and can’t quite picture having any energy or time to do anything. What I don’t get is why it’s okay for our jobs to take more than 40 hours/week. I’m theoretically okay with 40 hours of work to pay for housing, food and some (but not a lot of) entertainment, and having to do housework (though I’m very lazy at that and tend to knit instead) but I’m just not happy at all about work taking more of my time and that being expected of me regularly. It’s just not right.
and with that, my lunch break ends!
What works for me:
1) Recognize that I have time for everything that is truly important
2) Make some damned hard decisions about what *is* truly important (why oh why is it so hard to pare down when it is so easy to add to the list???)
3) Cancel, avoid or defer the rest.
One CAN do it all. One CAN’T do it all _at once_ though.
Two illusions in life, at least for me:
1) Perfection (gotta get that wabi-sabi thing going)
2) Dignity (we all show our a$$ sometime, might as well not take it to seriously)
3) Control… some stronger force has that, as painful as that can be to admit
(yeah that was 3, get over it, ha ha ha)
Wishing you all the best…
PEACE!
well i don’t have the responsibility of the kid but if i did there is no way in hell i would work more than 40 hours a week and not get paid for it.
they get the best i can give them and that best is a shit load better than what they can get from someone else otherwise i wouldn’t still be working here after 7 years.
i work for some pretty smart, successful and high powered people and they don’t get everything done. so pick what is truly the most important thing to you. and focus on that.
it’s easy to be a perfectionist when you have the time (or you’re superhuman).
Two Words.
Housekeeper. Wine.
Number 1, decide what is really important to YOU. (Boy, that sounds easy doesn’t it.)
Number 2, figure out what will make a difference 100 years from now.
Number 3, don’t worry about the rest, or hire it done.
I have been a solo mom since my youngest of three was a baby, and middle child was not yet 2. My kids are now 16, 12 and 11. My youngest may be ADHD, and the school complains about his behavior due to something going on, that we are working on a diagnosis. Other than that, they are great human beings and work to be contributing members of our society, our church and our family.
Is the house clean? no,
Do they get nutritional meals, most days, do they get meals, yes, some days desert is first.
Do they have clean clothes, yep, you bet. The older two have to do their own laundry now, so I don’t feel bad if they don’t have clean clothes. Next year, middle school, youngest will have to do his laundry. He already knows how, he just does not yet have to do it.
My kids, especially the older two, look at friends and are puzzled by their friends not knowing how to do anything to take care of themselves.
It really does get easier, but some of the most challenging decisions are the ones you make up front.
Dude, I wish I had the answer. In fact, it’s not having the answer that is keeping me from having the kids. So, if you figure it out, perhaps you can share with me? My perfectionist brain would like to know …
I don’t know. I went to Library School when my youngest was 2…..she was in about 9 hours of preschool a week. Then I went back to work, plus school, plus babysitting extra kids on my days off while trying to do schoolwork…it was sometimes ok, sometimes crazy. I’m done with school now so my life only has my kids, extra kids and work (plus pets, home and spouse. And yarn.)
Like everyone says, I think its just a series of carefully considered decisions. Thinking about consequences and stuff.
I think you are doing the right things now–surrounding yourself with positive friends and supportive management, trying to cut yourself a break when things are not right, and hoping the rest will shake out by itself. Having non-critical friends helps; the SAHM friend that shrieks in horror because you are not preparing your child homemade organic strained carrots that you grew yourself is NOT the friend you need to be around right now.
Good luck! We are cheering for you!
I let a lot of things go… at work, I try to set a reasonable goal for the day- and I work from home when there is a deadline… or an absolute need… or I am excited about something new… I communicate with my boss (who is also my mentor- and a very good mentor, at that.) Otherwise, I try to keep home at home and work at work.
At home, I do what I need to in order to stay sane. (This involves cleaning the bathroom a few times a week, ensuring the dishes are done after dinner, the floor is reasonably clean, shopping frequently enough that there is always a healthy supply of toilet paper, shampoo, soap, honey and tea, and the bills are as paid as they can be.)
My husband has a mental condition that does not allow him to leave the washing machine alone. He starts twitching if either the washer or the dryer is not running constantly. He also folds all the laundry he obsessively washes- and puts it away. I would be naked and insane if it was not for him. I communicate with him, too. Otherwise, we’d both be insane, starving, naked or single- or all of the above.
I pay the bulk of my bills once a month, and I worked to get all the bill due dates close to the middle of the month- right after the 15th or so. I sit down and do the accounting on the last Saturday before the 15th- and then I am (mostly) done for the month. I have a box where all bills go- and it takes about 2 hours to sort it all out, but then it is done. It is much easier for me to do it this way. (I have a few stragglers, but I signed up for auto-pay with my bank for those ones, and it works out.)
I try to recognize when I get something right that I haven’t accomplished before, even if it is miniscule, unnoticeable, or seems silly.
If I didn’t have big goals, I wouldn’t be where I am now. If I was doing everything right all the time, I’d be pretty unsatisfied- If I didn’t have somewhere (lots of somewheres) to grow, I wouldn’t be happy, either. I can’t do it all- but all that REALLY means is I know where I can grow.
It all works out. My mom did it, my grandmother did it… my daughter will do it one day too. It’s just the trying to stay sane and reasonably happy while you do it that is sometime the hardest part.
Knitting and reading help immensely with the staying sane part. (I get the bulk of my reading and knitting done at the dentist, the doctor’s office, and while waiting for the car to be fixed.)
Take care-
Meg
I wish I knew. Really. I don’t have a little one, and I’m still working right now, at 11:00 p.m. Something’s gotta give, is my thinking. Either the housework or my relationships. Since I sure as hell can’t let go of the latter, I’m OK with the dishwasher not getting emptied for a day or so. I’ll just echo what everyone is saying: in ten years time, you won;t regret not doing enough housework. No one ever says on their deathbed, “Good lord but I will forever regret letting those dust bunnies fester under my bed!”
Ah, yes, young Jedi, you are asking the right questions. No one is able to answer these, but they still bear asking. I notice you didn’t even bother to ask when you’re supposed to fit in exercise or time to yourself.
Like others have said, do what’s most important to you and your family, drink a beer once in a while. xoxo
Sadly, no magic bullet. I think others have stated it well - priorities need to be looked at with a critical eye and set accordingly.
For me, work became less of a prirority - both by trimming down to part time (I know not all have this luxurious choice) and by setting some realistic expectations in terms of what my employers could expect from me - I am no longer the super-kick-ass-rock-star-can-get-anything-done here in the office that I once was. Please note that I am still an excellent employee, I’m just not being an excellent employee when I am home anymore.
And the tired (but true) reminder: It gets easier. You’re still new to this gig, even though it feels like its been eons, cut yourself some slack.
I need to go back and read the comments, just in case anyone else has The Answer, because I sure as hell don’t. Mainly I just wanted say Yeah! Me Too!.
I’m trying really, really hard to simply lower my expectations and hope that’s enough.
Wine does help though. Sometimes. When I can stay awake long enough to find the bottle opener.
One of the things that has fallen away has been my relationships (hello? blog?) with friends, and that makes me pretty sad. I’m just holding out hope that when the day comes that I can even carry on a conversation in my house w/o waking up the kid I will still have friends left I can call.
I just typed you the LONGEST comment and now it’s GONE! Shit. Okay, I’ll condense.
1. Abandon Perfection (overrated, unattainable, bad model for Sophia)
2. Abandon Guilt (counterproductive, serves no purpose, stupid)
3. Abandon Toxic and Unsupportive People. Seek out advise from people you respect. Don’t listen to the chatter of people you don’t respect.
4. Food shop for all weekday dinners over the weekend — check this out — http://www.sixoclockscramble.com — I swear by this!
5. Housekeeping is good is you can swing it.
6. The only constant is change, so embrace the craziness. It’s always crazy, just different.
7. Remember that despite the media’s fascination/slamming of working moms, many (probably even the majority) of moms work.
8. Develop friendships with people in your neighborhood and close by. You will need each other now for companionship and you’ll all need each other when your kids are school age.
9. There are many ways to do this working mom thing — there is no right or wrong. Trust your instincts.
10. Try to keep up with the laundry. Tears are only shed when there are mountains to wash.
11. Accept help and do not criticize. The world will not come to an end if the dishwasher is not loaded the right way (okay, so I’m projecting.)
xoxo
It seems that my priorities are kind of on a rotation. For my first year at work, I worked my ass off and got my promotion. Now I can delegate to people and my bosses know that I get stuff done so it’s not as big a deal when I fuck up. This summer is home improvement season. We didn’t do jack shit over the winter, we just got our tax return $$ and now we’re going to paint the kitchen and redo the bathroom and tackle the gardens. Oh yeah, and there’s babies in there too. That other stuff happens when they’re sleeping of course.
The one thing that I do seem to sacrifice is relationships, which sucks. I rarely get time with Dean or friends. They’re not totally neglected, but they’re certainly not at the quality that I think is right. Working on that too - vacation time for just me and Dean in May. Girl time later this summer.
So yeah, prioritize, then rotate. That’s what I say. Do what you can when it makes the most sense to focus on that one thing, then switch.
Hey Wendy!
To me it seems you are managing pretty well already!
and i know this because you have written this post.
you work, you play and you sound pretty happy and balanced.
i find that when i am at the point of asking questions, it’s because i am ready for the answers.
even when there is no answer, as for your question.
what helped me is that i am not a perfectionist, and housework was never a priority. i did hire some help for short periods, and i did work part time.
i also realized pretty soon that excellent daycare was worth a lot to me, because then my children had somebody looking after them and playing with them all the time, while at home, i would play with them while trying to do laundry, cook dinners, pay bills etc.
they did not go full time, because i was working only part time, but it helped me a lot not feeling guilty about not spending more time with them.
i wish i could go back to cook decent dinners though, that still has not come back, and i am beginning to miss it!
Most of what I would say has been said already. You are not meant to be perfect. Your house does not have to be sterile. No one ever died from an unwashed kitchen floor.
I have two kids who are now 15 and 13. They don’t remember most of their time at day care. they were happy there and I had no choice..I had to work. They don’t remember being unhappy because the bathroom was not clean. They do remember that I played with them. They do remember a trip to the ice cream stand or a walk to the park. They do remember that when I was around them, I was fully there (even if I wasn’t…they thought I was).
There are a few suggestions that have been made that can really help:
1. Try to find some organization in your house if you don’t have it already. It will cut down on stress. For example, set a schedule for dinners…Monday is chicken, tuesday is tacos, etc. After a few weeks you can change the schedule, but at least this way you don’t always stress out over what to serve.
2. A housecleaner is a great thing. If you can’t afford one (not everyone can) see if you can trade for one. If not, see if a friend can watch your child for 2 hours and you can return the favor.
3. Automatic bill pay for the majority of your bills. These are easy to set up, and takes a load of anxiety off. Certain bills you can enter to be paid every month on the same date (mortgage, utilities, credit cards if you have them). Others may come about less frequently. I usually take 15 or 20 minutes on the 1st and 15th of the month to enter in the “straggler” bills. Also, I love Quicken for my household book keeping purposes. It takes some time to enter in your information the first time, but then you just take a few minutes at the end of the day to enter receipts. Or, at the start of the month, I put in all the bills that I know will be paid during the month. Quicken keeps track of it all and makes balancing the checkbook a snap.
4. find time for yourself (even if it is ten minutes).
5. Try to exercise so that you at least feel like you have some energy to tackle all that you must do.
6. Little ones don’t stay little for long. Enjoy these times as best you can and realize that as they grow, kids are adaptable.
7. Ask for help. Accept help that is offered.
Take a deep breath. I have been there. Things have a way of working out.
I strive for good enough rather than perfect. My kids get my attention as much as possible so straightening the living room goes to the bottom of the list.
If I’m not done with work by 5 or 5:30 I still makes sure I’m home for dinner and homework help. I put the little one to bed and finish up my work in the evening while my husband and older son watch TV.
Just decide what your priorities are and give them the lion share of your time. Then parcel out the rest of the time to the other things in order of their importance to you. They will shift up and down the list all the time but you’ll find a balance that works for you and your family.
I just found an email group/website called flylady.net. Parts of it are a little cheesy….but the basic message of routines, letting go of perfectionism, not procrastinating, babysteps, and using a timer to only spend 15 minutes on something has been super helpful for me. My house is cleaner, I think about cleaning it less, and every little bit helps. With routines things just start to happen (after a few months), and I have noticed I have more time for work/play and I do both better when the dishes aren’t piled up (our kitchen and living room are one–this does not bother everyone). And you get emails of one “detail” cleaning thing a day, which takes all of ten minutes, but it all adds up to a pleasantly tidy (not perfect) home even if you only do half of them in a week.
My daughter is going to be one in a few weeks, and I second everyone who said to take time for yourself, and take time for the really important moments, and the really important people. No one else is going to take care of you, and if your not happy no one’s happy. A sense of order and consistency is really important for children, and it make parenting/working/being a student so much easier.
Let go of any external standards, and find what works for your family. We’re all in it together, trying to work, parent, and LIVE.