Practicing what YOU! preached.
It’s been a few weeks since I posted about my frustrations with balancing “it” all. As always, I felt better just as a result of getting it all out. I have also been ruminating on what you all said and have made a few adjustments to my attitude and my daily life. Mostly, I find myself remembering your thoughts throughout the day and often that is enough to shift my focus to what really matters. Me. My Family. Enjoying the Everyday.
To this end here are some things that I have done / thought since last posting on this topic:
1 - Stayed conscience of the joy of little things. So many people have said it better than me. To repeat it in less eloquent terms: Life is made up of little thing. Big things happen here and there. But the little things happen all the time. Find joy in them. You’ll always have to wash dishes, do laundry, and commute. Find the joy there and meditate on that.
2 - Along those same lines I’m learning that a lot of being a parent is tedious, menial and slave labor. (This is not to say it is without its rewards and, in my opinion, worth the work. But let’s face it - wiping someone’s ass every day? Not my idea of a good time). I’m working in giggles and laughter, and recognition that a - it will become less tedious (you told me it would! i believe you!) b - there is comfort and intimacy in the tedium. Right about the time I posted I found this post on design mom. There is a new publication, Seeing the Everyday, “A new magazine finding poetry in the prosaic”. (If you go here you can see a sample .pdf). It looks beautiful. This is EXACTLY what I’m trying to do - see the everyday. (btw - Juli - you got a subscription for Mother’s Day! I keep forgetting to tell you. 
)
3 - When I walk into work I take a sticky note and write the time at which I need to leave the office. I hang it on my computer monitor. When it gets to be that time I leave. If I still have work I decide how badly it needs to be done. If I am on a deadline (which I often am - my work is deadline based) I will bring home pieces of work to do after Sophia goes to bed. When I work at home I work on my unplugged laptop. When the battery dies…I stop working. It’s a great control mechanisms for someone who’s inner perfectionist often gets the better of her.
4 - One of the things mentioned was the need to develop a routine. Stay organized and work within that system. I realized that since moving from Boston - we don’t have a system. We are not organized. Our house is a mess - Sophia’s dresser drawers had cloths thrown into them when we first got into the house (we had about 2 hours to get her room set up before bedtime) and I haven’t had time to organize them. This causes all kinds of time suck during our morning routine. Finding a matching pair of socks?! Oy. Those damn tiny socks will be the end of me. Bury me in tiny sock singletons.
I haven’t had time to organize because my free time is spent trying to catch up with the dishes, laundry, and dust bunnies. So, I asked for help. My parents came over this past weekend and helped us do some stuff around the house. It was awesome because I was caught up and can now spend some time organizing and getting a system down. Hopefully I can stay ahead of the curve! Now, we weren’t always so lucky. We just recently moved back “home”, closer to family. However, our friends in Boston did the same type of thing for us when we put our condo on the market last spring. Sophia was a VERY fussy two-month old and there way no way we were going to be able to get our house into show worthy condition without help. So - I emailed our friends and they showed up one Saturday. I was embarrassed and felt horrible asking for that kind of help - but I saw no other way. I think we must have had at least 10 people there. Cleaning and organizing our teeny condo. If we would have done that on our own it would have taken us WEEKS. These guys blew it out in a few hours. And you know what - we showed the condo the next weekend and had an offer within two weeks. We would have missed those buyers. Asking for help usually pays off big. Knowing you have friends and family who are willing to clean for you? Pays off way bigger. I am still moved when I think of what happened that weekend. Those are some friends.
5 - At the suggestion of Kathy I have subscribed to the Six O’Clock Scramble. (BTW - Kathy posted her great comment on her site and got some more great comments - go read if you’re looking for inspiration.) We took our first trip to the grocery with the grocery list provided by the service and I made our first meal from it last night. So. Yum. Tonight we’ll try another. I love to cook and not having the time to do it has really made me sad. I hope this is a good solution.
6 - Prioritize. Reassess. Prioritize. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. You are so right! This is where I am trying to direct my thinking. Living consciously. We had a conversation about this at my knitting group a few months ago. How living with purpose has often been a bit of a thorn in my side because it’s just one. more. thing. to. do. My friend Amy, (sadly blogless, but a Ravelrer) noted that being stressed about living consciously kind of goes against the whole principle. She somehow explained it all in a way that clicked. You do the best you can, you reassess, you try not to get lost in the little things. You do the best you can, you pay attention, you screw up, you make a change. You are thus…living consciously.
7 - I have also had to remind myself that me screwing up and making it right is a waaaaayyyyy better model for my daughter than the alternative. This ties up the idea of letting go of perfection and embracing humanity. It is also my work and management style in my professional life. If I don’t know the answer - I admit it and find it. If I screw up - I admit it and fix it. If someone who works for me screws up - I expect that they will nod to the screw up and move on. Shit happens. We are not infallible. Why would I want to provide that kind of model for my daughter?
I think that’s about all. Overall, I feel a bit more relaxed and hope to tweak this whole LIFE thing as I go - I’m sure you’ll continue to hear about it.
How are you doing with it all?
Life comes with no instruction book and everyone is forced to find their own way. You’re doing a good job of figuring out what works for you.
28 Apr 2008 at 4:03 pm
I think that your last reminder to yourself, that of the example you are and will be for your daughter is key. If you keep that floating in the forefront of your mind, everything else will likely work itself out. Seems you are doing an awesome job!
It’s all good!
28 Apr 2008 at 4:10 pm
It sounds like you’re really getting things under control. Change some things, don’t change others, then try something else until it feels right.
28 Apr 2008 at 4:41 pm
Of course I managed to miss your post the first time around… but this is my comment on Kathy’s post:
This is excellent advice — except that if you tell me feeling guilty is stupid, I will feel guilty *and* stupid, and that will make me cry. A friend once told me “you can’t change how you feel; you can only change what you do.” So I let the little guilt monster yammer away, but I try not to listen to her, except when she has a point. Like, she’s telling me to start a load of laundry and then knit. You are so right about laundry: keeping up with it is still my biggest day-to-day challenge.
But what’s also true is that even your own behavior you can change only so much. To quote my dad, perfect=finished; finished=dead. We are all WIPs as long as we live.
About getting less tedious: yes, it will; there will come a day when Sophia will require almost no physical labor of you… and everything that comes out of her mouth will require thought. I just had my daughter on the phone asking me to walk her through finding the surface area of a cylinder. At least she doesn’t date yet.
28 Apr 2008 at 5:15 pm
What is it Kay said today, she’s a Momba?
Sandra Day O’Connor frequently talks about how having a career and a family isn’t easy, she recently said, “I wanted to have a family, and I’m glad that I did. Was it easy? No. Will it be easy for you? No. Is it worth it? Yes.”
I still think my mom (who has an awesome career and was a single mom for years) is a rock star - and we frequently had scrambled eggs for dinner. I’m sure Sophia will think you’re a rock star someday, too.
P.S. How’s Josephine Tey? Someone else recommended her recently, and she’s in my queue at the library.
28 Apr 2008 at 5:46 pm
You’re growing some serious wisdom. I will especially spend some time meditating on (#7). I’ve let go of being the perfect mother, but I like the idea of thinking more about how my missteps and bad days can teach my kids about how they can work through their own crap.
28 Apr 2008 at 6:54 pm
Well, I’m still trying to figure out how to get it all done and find balance and not lose my mind so I can’t really help you with that BUT, I can solve the sock problem
Get one or two of the zippered mesh bags intended for washing lingerie (I found a package of three for two bucks at my local drugstore). Pop all the tiny socks into the bag. Bag goes into washer, transfers to dryer, and ta-da! Clean socks and no singletons! Even better, all the socks are together in one place instead of scattered throughout the whole load of laundry so finding and matching them post wash is much easier. It’s a little thing - but it helps!
29 Apr 2008 at 5:03 am
You seem to be doing well on the balance and wisdom front. So, here’s another sock suggestion. I buy multiple pairs of the same style/color of sock. Also, if you have time, cook meals on the weekend that can be frozen/refrigerated to use during the week. Everyone eating together keeps me sane.
29 Apr 2008 at 10:06 am
Wow! Reading that post makes me feel so much better. I’ve been feeling a little over-extended and overwhelmed, and hearing someone write so plainly about ways to not stress out about it all the time has made me think differently. Thanks! And good point about the friends… I know my friends and family would be there for me in a minute if I needed them, it’s just that somehow I always felt shame in having to ask. I’m so glad to read someone else say the same thing.
29 Apr 2008 at 2:16 pm
This was such a great post to read. I’m a week past my due date with no baby in site it seems! I’ve been trying to be very present, and this was a great reminder at how to be here and now. Thanks!
29 Apr 2008 at 7:00 pm
You’re a treasure, Wendy. Such a thoughtful, inspiring post. I love the hope in it.
29 Apr 2008 at 8:45 pm
What a great update, Wendy. I especially love (and try to live by) #7. Now that Jacob is almost 3, and so obviously learning *everything* we do, intentional or not, it’s easier to keep in mind.
Things are going well with me at the moment, but we’ve got two monster changes coming up, so ask me again in 4 months!
01 May 2008 at 12:25 pm
When all else fails, you are allowed to “lower your standards.” Children really are temporary in the big scheme of life. It all gets easier as they get older and you get more confident. Have another and compound the chaos. Then, when they get old enough, you will suddenly realize you have control, and you will wish you had enjoyed the young years a little more– although I think it is impossible to be comfortable with both the chaos and the kids. Bev– wishing I had enjoyed my children’s childhood a bit more– they are 16 & 20 and might as well be 30.
02 May 2008 at 1:53 am
I’m glad things are improving for you. I’m in the middle of moving and so going crazy, but I’m hoping to work on a lot of the things you’re talking about once I get settled.
14 May 2008 at 3:22 pm
Hey, I’m a little behind on my blog reading, but I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this post!
28 May 2008 at 3:48 am