Monthly Archives: January 2009

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I have been writing, her and there, in my head and out.  It is often hard for me to find the time and motivate myself to Just Get It Done.  The to-do list is endless.  I only have X hours every day.  I am tired.  I can’t move or breath (baby is head up in my lungs right now and I am light-headed with anemia).  I am afraid of getting lost in my head if I think too hard.  I want to knit that before baby comes.  I want to knit this.  I need to do this.  I want to do that. All of the excuses pile up and, because I am relatively happy, I just do not move toward moving these thoughts to the “checked” column.

I just am.

Which, in theory, is great.

This is what we should be.

Just.

Sigh.

Here.

But then the head starts running again.  I want to read this.  The carpet here needs to be fixed.  Our couch is a mess, do we need a slip cover?  I miss people.  I need to make more connections.  My heart and head should be better aligned.  What the hell are we going to name this kid?

Every few months I have to redefine myself, lest I risk going batty.  These past few months, maybe year – I am a floating agent pushed and pulled by my environment and circumstance.  Not necessarily unhappy with this, quite possibly content.  Such a strange way to be (for me).