By PDMACpayday loans
I have been writing, her and there, in my head and out. It is often hard for me to find the time and motivate myself to Just Get It Done. The to-do list is endless. I only have X hours every day. I am tired. I can’t move or breath (baby is head up in my lungs right now and I am light-headed with anemia). I am afraid of getting lost in my head if I think too hard. I want to knit that before baby comes. I want to knit this. I need to do this. I want to do that. All of the excuses pile up and, because I am relatively happy, I just do not move toward moving these thoughts to the “checked” column.
I just am.
Which, in theory, is great.
This is what we should be.
But then the head starts running again. I want to read this. The carpet here needs to be fixed. Our couch is a mess, do we need a slip cover? I miss people. I need to make more connections. My heart and head should be better aligned. What the hell are we going to name this kid?
Every few months I have to redefine myself, lest I risk going batty. These past few months, maybe year – I am a floating agent pushed and pulled by my environment and circumstance. Not necessarily unhappy with this, quite possibly content. Such a strange way to be (for me).
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I don’t read self-help books (we have discussed this), only the titles, but this post makes me think of one:
Surrender to Motherhood. (The title makes me mad. Yet I remember the concept.)
It’s about how you’re happier if you stop fighting in your head, and accept that getting the sippy cup for Susie is going to take priority over your to-do list and your to-be list, for a while. And if you do this with a happy or at least not resentful heart, Susie is happier and you’re happier, and this is what you signed up for and all that. I’m not always willing or able to take this attitude, but somehow the fact that this phenomenon is common enough to have a self-help book–makes me feel better. A fellow mom told me about this book and said it changed her life and made everything much more OK. I didn’t get beyond the title, and the concept still ruffles my feminist feathers, but it has helped me sometimes.
OK that’s all that I’ve got. I felt the same way, especially when pregnant. You are just THERE. It is all happening TO you, the cool parts and the other parts.
Comment - January 13, 2009 : 1:54 pm
Your post came up as ” (Title Unknown) ” in google reader. Couldn’t be more appropriate
I was trying to explain to Eric how I just feel like a vessel. When I was pregnant, I wasn’t anything but a bystander (and victim of what was happening in my body, and now I am simply a vessel for EJ’s nourishment and comfort.
Anyway, this is probably a different shade of the same situation, but your post struck a chord.
Great comment by Kay.
Comment - January 13, 2009 : 2:56 pm
Your words hit home – I’ve been feeling like a piece of rubber getting stretched and pulled to meet the demands of life right now (and not necessarily in an unhappy way, either). Floating is such a good description. The hard part for me is letting go (and letting my mind rest) and then using the active part of me to soak it all in. Anyway, thanks for this post – you captured in words better than I ever could how I’ve been feeling (and based on the above comments, it may be a mommy thing!)
Comment - January 13, 2009 : 4:32 pm
Did you ever read The Tao of Pooh? “Pooh just is”. I like this quote because my husband is a Pooh – he fits the Pooh character so perfectly. So you are just being more Pooh-like. Which is better than being more Eeyore-like.
Comment - January 13, 2009 : 7:43 pm
I think the key here is that you are happy and content.
Comment - January 13, 2009 : 8:16 pm
There are lots of worse places to be than floating, which clearly you know. Float on, dude!
Comment - January 14, 2009 : 11:53 am
Hang in there!
Comment - January 14, 2009 : 4:45 pm
Dani in NC says:
That running commentary in my head is a constant for me. At least you manage to remain content with all that stuff on your mind.
Comment - January 17, 2009 : 11:41 am
Kay has a great point – I am in my second half of life & still working on the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s. I felt resentful while I was raising children – there, I have never said that before – I totally missed the awesome responsiblity and gift I had been entrusted with at the time. Looking back, I would not have done anything different, but I would change my attitude about my life.
It has always been about money and “worthiness” for me. Just to be, to be thankful, to honor this time in your life, must be so much healthier than the self-inflicted torment of what society thought you should have been.
I think you are on the right track – savor this time and just be.
Comment - January 24, 2009 : 10:46 am