I love this picture. Taken when Sophia was just 6 hours old…on February 2, 2007.

Soon enough our little Jackie will have one of her own to hold!

Happy Birthday!

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day 8 - I love me a good Birthday!

It’s been a few weeks since I posted about my frustrations with balancing “it” all. As always, I felt better just as a result of getting it all out. I have also been ruminating on what you all said and have made a few adjustments to my attitude and my daily life. Mostly, I find myself remembering your thoughts throughout the day and often that is enough to shift my focus to what really matters. Me. My Family. Enjoying the Everyday.

To this end here are some things that I have done / thought since last posting on this topic:

1 - Stayed conscience of the joy of little things. So many people have said it better than me. To repeat it in less eloquent terms: Life is made up of little thing. Big things happen here and there. But the little things happen all the time. Find joy in them. You’ll always have to wash dishes, do laundry, and commute. Find the joy there and meditate on that.

2 - Along those same lines I’m learning that a lot of being a parent is tedious, menial and slave labor. (This is not to say it is without its rewards and, in my opinion, worth the work. But let’s face it - wiping someone’s ass every day? Not my idea of a good time). I’m working in giggles and laughter, and recognition that a - it will become less tedious (you told me it would! i believe you!) b - there is comfort and intimacy in the tedium. Right about the time I posted I found this post on design mom. There is a new publication, Seeing the Everyday, “A new magazine finding poetry in the prosaic”. (If you go here you can see a sample .pdf). It looks beautiful. This is EXACTLY what I’m trying to do - see the everyday. (btw - Juli - you got a subscription for Mother’s Day! I keep forgetting to tell you. )

3 - When I walk into work I take a sticky note and write the time at which I need to leave the office. I hang it on my computer monitor. When it gets to be that time I leave. If I still have work I decide how badly it needs to be done. If I am on a deadline (which I often am - my work is deadline based) I will bring home pieces of work to do after Sophia goes to bed. When I work at home I work on my unplugged laptop. When the battery dies…I stop working. It’s a great control mechanisms for someone who’s inner perfectionist often gets the better of her.

4 - One of the things mentioned was the need to develop a routine. Stay organized and work within that system. I realized that since moving from Boston - we don’t have a system. We are not organized. Our house is a mess - Sophia’s dresser drawers had cloths thrown into them when we first got into the house (we had about 2 hours to get her room set up before bedtime) and I haven’t had time to organize them. This causes all kinds of time suck during our morning routine. Finding a matching pair of socks?! Oy. Those damn tiny socks will be the end of me. Bury me in tiny sock singletons.

I haven’t had time to organize because my free time is spent trying to catch up with the dishes, laundry, and dust bunnies. So, I asked for help. My parents came over this past weekend and helped us do some stuff around the house. It was awesome because I was caught up and can now spend some time organizing and getting a system down. Hopefully I can stay ahead of the curve! Now, we weren’t always so lucky. We just recently moved back “home”, closer to family. However, our friends in Boston did the same type of thing for us when we put our condo on the market last spring. Sophia was a VERY fussy two-month old and there way no way we were going to be able to get our house into show worthy condition without help. So - I emailed our friends and they showed up one Saturday. I was embarrassed and felt horrible asking for that kind of help - but I saw no other way. I think we must have had at least 10 people there. Cleaning and organizing our teeny condo. If we would have done that on our own it would have taken us WEEKS. These guys blew it out in a few hours. And you know what - we showed the condo the next weekend and had an offer within two weeks. We would have missed those buyers. Asking for help usually pays off big. Knowing you have friends and family who are willing to clean for you? Pays off way bigger. I am still moved when I think of what happened that weekend. Those are some friends.

5 - At the suggestion of Kathy I have subscribed to the Six O’Clock Scramble. (BTW - Kathy posted her great comment on her site and got some more great comments - go read if you’re looking for inspiration.) We took our first trip to the grocery with the grocery list provided by the service and I made our first meal from it last night. So. Yum. Tonight we’ll try another. I love to cook and not having the time to do it has really made me sad. I hope this is a good solution.

6 - Prioritize. Reassess. Prioritize. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. You are so right! This is where I am trying to direct my thinking. Living consciously. We had a conversation about this at my knitting group a few months ago. How living with purpose has often been a bit of a thorn in my side because it’s just one. more. thing. to. do. My friend Amy, (sadly blogless, but a Ravelrer) noted that being stressed about living consciously kind of goes against the whole principle. She somehow explained it all in a way that clicked. You do the best you can, you reassess, you try not to get lost in the little things. You do the best you can, you pay attention, you screw up, you make a change. You are thus…living consciously.

7 - I have also had to remind myself that me screwing up and making it right is a waaaaayyyyy better model for my daughter than the alternative. This ties up the idea of letting go of perfection and embracing humanity. It is also my work and management style in my professional life. If I don’t know the answer - I admit it and find it. If I screw up - I admit it and fix it. If someone who works for me screws up - I expect that they will nod to the screw up and move on. Shit happens. We are not infallible. Why would I want to provide that kind of model for my daughter?

I think that’s about all. Overall, I feel a bit more relaxed and hope to tweak this whole LIFE thing as I go - I’m sure you’ll continue to hear about it.

How are you doing with it all?

Thank you for all the birthday wishes! For both Sophia and itty bitty Will. For over a year now I have been trying to verbalize a very profound feeling. I just could not seem to get my head around the words. Wouldn’t you know - during the first few days of Motherhood, Juli did it for me.

Awhile back I asked Kellee to send Juli the XS sized diaper covers that I had lent her. Just as Johanna had lent some to me back when Sophia was a wee. Kellee not only sent the diaper covers but she sent a HUGE box of cloth diapers that B had outgrown and a bunch of cloths and other sundrees. HUGE. Just like Melanie sent me boxes and boxes of stuff Scarlett and Blu had grown out of. Now, Kellee hasn’t ever met Juli, it was an act of kindness and caring for another human being.

Juli’s first chance to look more carefully at the box only came this last week about 4 days into motherhood. Those of you that have been there know what that day is like. You’re exhausted, overwhelmed, you are grappling with your expectations and reality, you wonder how you can walk one more step. Throw a few hormones in there and it’s a perfect storm of clarity. Clarity? Yes. I believe for some reason stripping ourselves down to these basic elements of survival results in jewels of insight and clarity. The essential human feelings and needs come to the surface and, if you’re lucky, you have an opportunity to feel them more profoundly and vocalize them more perfectly than any other time in your life.

Back to Juli. They have had a VERY hard week. The baby boy is fine, doing great really. But Juli’s labor was difficult, she lost a lot of blood, she is weak. They are out of cloth diapers, and cloths, and just out of patience and energy. She and Chad (her husband) turn to the box. They look more closely. They both start to cry. Kellee had filled the box with cloth diapers that little B had outgrown, cloths, shoes, a baby carrier and various other items that you do not ever feel as though your going to need until the moment strikes and you find them as essential as a glass of water. Juli and Chad were overwhelmed with the love and caring sent through that box at that moment. Juli called me a few minutes later and told me about their experience. How perfectly timed the box was and what it did for them.

She said, “It wasn’t how large it was, it wasn’t what was specifically in it, it was just that someone cared enough to put it together and it was there right at the moment we needed it.”  A turning point.

That was it. That was the thought and feeling I had been struggling with for over a year.

You see, I have been the recipient of unbelievable kindness this past year. I speak specifically of blog kindness. I have received, emails, comments. I have received cards in the mail. I have received stunning handmade gifts for baby - bibs, booties, sweaters, blankets. I have received hand-me-downs, new beautiful cloths for her to wear. I have received thoughts, prayers and actions. All of these gestures were received by me and my family with the profound feeling of gratitude. I struggled with a way to show that gratitude. Do I publicly feature all of the gifts, stories, and love? Do I keep it private with a simple thank-you card? How do I reciprocate? How do I show how deeply each of these gestures - small and large - tangible and intangible meant to me and my family?

I just couldn’t find a way to do it that made me feel right. Publicly featuring them somehow did not work for me. I didn’t want to seem as though I was spoiled or entitled. I didn’t want to forget someone or something. I was unsure how to convey the meaning that a gift or a gesture brought. How they meant the same thing to me - they were both important. But yet, I felt like I should find a way to verbalize it - thank you all verbally and publicly.

Until Juli did it for me ( for the record - she is often doing this type of thinking for me, we have been friends for 18 years.)

“It wasn’t how large it was, it wasn’t what was specifically in it, it was just that someone cared enough to put it together and it was there right at the moment we needed it.”

Thank you - each of you - for putting together something for me and my family. Right when we needed it. I have received it all, even the prayers and thoughts. I reach for each item often - whether it be a tangible object or a comment that comes to surface in my head.

I cherish it all.

I truly appreciate it.

On this here day we have MUCH to be thankful for.

One year ago we were here.

Now we are here:

This babe is 1!!! We had a great day, party was last weekend. I’ll give you all the deets soon.

(thanks for the dress Melanie, two baby girls wore it on their Firsts! Sophia did Scarlett proud.)

As if that wasn’t enough reason to be thankful!…..

The world is one better. No, the world is one bestest. Meet Sophia’s future husband.

BFF Juli gave birth to Will at 11:57pm MT on January 31st. We were hoping she’d hold off so they two would share a birthday however, he had different ideas. He was 5 days late and gave his mama quite a run for her money - 24 hours of labor, 4 hours of pushing and - he’s here!!! Juli kicked ass and went through it all without any drugs. This is Juli’s first and I cannot wait to get out to meet him! We have a trip planned for the end of the month.

Check out the handknit! It’s a Clapotis, made by me for Juli to labor with, nurse with, and cuddle Will with! It looks awesome wrapped around him.

A few weeks ago Rob and I had the distinct pleasure of spending a weekend with Kellee, Rick and Baby B. It was Baby B’s official first road trip and his first time in New York State. To say that he kicked ass would be an understatement. To say that Kellee and Rick kicked 70 kinds of ass would be even more of a drastic understatement. They drove in to ROC on a Friday evening and left Sunday afternoon. They stayed at my parent’s house. “Hey guys wanna come over my parent’s house? It’ll be super cool nerdy fun.” All to see little ol’ us and to head to the first fiber festival of the season - The Fingerlakes Fiber Festival in Hemlock, New York.

Kellee celebrated a birthday the day before they arrived. So, we got to eat cake. And really, can it ever be a bad weekend if you get to eat cake? I didn’t think so.

Here is Baby B contemplating his trip to our home.

The festival, it was great, the weather was shit.ty.it.ty.bang bang. We’re not talking New Hampshire Sheep and Wool 2006 here…but it was a close second. Mostly because it’s just not the kind of weather you want your 7 month old in and a newborn in. However, rest assured. We discovered the cause of the whole weather problem and the solution is easy. Rob. Rob is the cause.

His first festival was New Hampshire Sheep and Wool 2006. Weather: Shitty (Officially dubbed it the Wet Wool Festival)

He stayed home for New Hampshire Sheep and Wool 2007. Weather: Perfection

His second festival was the Fingerlakes Fiber Festival (Saturday only). Weather: Shitty

He stayed home for the second day of the festival (Sunday). Weather: Perfection

Don’t worry, Kellee grounded him. He will be in town for Rhinebeck…but he’s not allowed to step foot on the fairgrounds. The weather should be fine.

I walked out of the festival with some roving to play with and a stomach filled with the absolute best fried dough I have ever had. Luckily this dough was of such quality that it virtually erased my experience with the “Taco and Dessert-o” trailer on the festival grounds. Note to self - “dessert-o” translates into “pick up the clue phone and don’t buy food from these people”.

I missed the class I had registered for on Saturday. We tried really really hard to get out of the door with both infants and two slow hubbers…but it took hours. Sophia was hungry then Baby B was hungry. Then Sophia was hungry then Baby B was hungry. Sophia pooped her pants. Baby B pooped his pants. Oh lord help us all.

However, missing the class ended up being a blessing. I was able to make it up on Sunday (Kellee and I went sans husbands and babies) and had a PRIVATE SPINNING LESSON. It was so. fun. And no, the bug really hasn’t bitten but I must say it was a blast….I learned all kinds of cool things…and the teacher put the Spinnerati to shame with her hard sell on the Genesee Valley Handspinners Guild. “You don’t even need to spin! We would love to have you at the meetings.” (Those of you familiar with the Spinnerati’s tactics will know that this really means, “You don’t even have to DRINK the Kool-Aid. You can just watch it being poured into your mouth.”)

Hmmm, I think that’s all I have to report on that front.

Pictures!
World’s Largest Sock? Or A Sock on the Way to Becoming the World’s Largest Sock?

Baby B sleeps with his eyes open. It. is. so. cool.

Rob = Not Thrilled to Be There

Mom, I am so happy to be leaving this really cold and rainy place. (S wearing her Kai Sweater that I knit for her!)

Kellee at the Bosworth Booth. She didn’t buy a spindle. Well, she didn’t buy a spindle…..there.

So I have been trying to knit. It’s getting increasingly harder as S gets more and more aware of her surroundings. I used to be able to get some knitting time in while she nursed. Not so much anymore as she likes to “help”.

Big help huh?

I started this sock when I returned to work in early May. This is the first of the pair. See where I am? I hadn’t yet even turned the heel in that picture, at least I had not yet turned the heel for the 5th time! You can see my working yarn is all bendy from all of the ripping I had to do.

I have an issue with turning heels. It’s not a difficult thing. It’s not complicated, I’ve done it many times. But every time I get to the heel of my current sock I need to settle in for the long sit. I know if I do not sit and do the ENTIRE heel in one sitting that I will have to go back and rip and do it again. This holds true for short row and heel flap, the only two heels I know at this point in time. (I am on a mission to try a new one for every pair of sock I knit. ) You would think, armed with this knowledge, that I would just leave the sock until I had a few minutes to do it all - nah, I try and try to get it done in multiple sittings and it never works.

In fact, I did not find time to actually finish this heel until the second week in July, a full two-months after the sock was started. Kate Gilbert was in town visiting her family and I had the distinct pleasure of joining her for coffee, half-moon cookies (she called them something different, what did you call them Kate?), and knitting at a local coffee joint. We both sneaked away from our babes (for me this was the first time I had been away from S in 3 weeks! A much needed break) and had a lovely awesome afternoon.

Kate renewed my faith in knitters. This was our first time meeting after learning that we were both originally from Rochester, that we graduated from neighboring high schools the same year (’94), and that her college roommate was a high school classmate of mine. Small. World. Anyway, Kate was just one of those people that I felt comfortable and at home with and I look forward to her next visit.

I am about 2 inches into the second of the pair. We have been spending Sunday’s in the car house hunting. This gives me some MUCH needed knitting time! At this rate I’ll have a new pair of socks just in time for fall.

Socks for Me

Pattern: Made Up

Yarn: Lorna’s Laces Shepherd Sock Multi (a gift from Elisa)

Colors: 92 River, Dyelot 1489

Needles: Addi Turbo US1 32″

Gauge: 8.5 sts / in, 12 rows / in (pre-block)

Size: Top to Start of Heel = ~6.25″; Heel to Start of Toe = ~5.75″; Total Length = 7/5 Circumference = 6.5″

Pattern Notes: CO 56 Stitches, Magic Loop. Top Down. Roll Top. Short-Row Heel and toe a la Priscilla Gibson-Roberts’s (Fall 2000 Interweave Knits, page 76). (Description on how to do this can be found in the Better Than Baby Booties by Ann Budd (free .pdf via Interweave Knits).)

Wow. I never intended to take a month break!  I suppose life has been a bit hectic and generally getting in the way of all things blog worthy.  A numbered list to explain what I’ve been up to:

Reason Number 1 reason why I haven’t blogged:   Bloggy existential crisis.

We all have them.  Why do I write?  Do I still want to write?  Ya-da-Ya-da.  Mine was spurred by some comments left on an old post of mine (I will not link in an effort to let sleeping dogs lie).  I do not really want to go in to it, I only mention it to highlight how much it took me by surprise.  I have had very little negative feedback here and have always waved the flags of honesty and candor.  I always appreciate the same in my commenters.   It, frankly, kicked my ass to think that people would target me in a personal way for an opinion that I posted.   This has all been summarized by others better than me so I’ll just refer you to my girls Cara and Stephanie, and add, “Yah, what she said you big meanies.”

After this they’re in no particular order:

Reason Number 2 why I haven’t been blogging - I have moved to a new city.

My sister, Sophia, and I exploring a part of our fair city

If this isn’t a big duh, than I don’t know what is.  I am working here full time (telecommuting for the old job, major suckers) and still trying to get out and see stuff! and do things! and not be stuck in the freaking house all the time!  I tried a new knit group and may have found a new book club.  We’ll see how it all pans out.  Meeting people sucks and I am a big woosey about it all.  I miss my Boston Girls who are having a baby (Kellee), getting cool jobs (Jackie), moving across country (Elisa), buying houses (Melanie), sewing cute things for my kid (Debbie “given new meaning to the name Stitchy” McYarnpants), taking kick ass vacation (Maryse).  I miss our Boston Friends and babies and I miss our house and I miss the city.  All of this makes me sad and who wants to read a downer blog post?
Blogging time decrease - about 75%

Reason Number 3 why I haven’t touched ye old blog:

Ravelry.

I know it’s the same old sad story, that you are all likely tired of.  Mine is a bit different in that I haven’t actually entered any stash (well hardly any) or any projects (just a few).   I was one of the first beta-testers and have signed up to be a Sooper Editor.  What little time I have to spend on Ravelry I like to spend cleaning up the pattern database.  Call me an obsessive organizing freak.  It’s what I am and I like it.

Reason Number 4 why I can’t write:

H. P.

Sigh, I just finished last night.

Double-sigh.

So. Good.

Reason Number 5 why the blog has gathered dust:

I am in love.

She’ll be 6 months next week.

Enough said.
In Summary

All of these reason are still going to be here.  But, I think I need to make some time for this.  I read and read all of you everyday (No time to comment!) and I write in my head.  It is my goal to sit and write more frequently.

Yo.

So I didn’t write toward the end of last week because my pumping breaks were in a haze of exhaustion. I did not cry a drop last week, I did get very close. This is not a badge of honor. Just a point of note. I felt like crying. There are a lot of things flying around here lately and going back to work is just one of them. Sophia did really well with my sister and I am so thankful she was able to use her VACATION time to come babysit. It was her idea…to ease my transition. I am lucky to have a sister like her.

Our babysitter started yesterday. She will be here for the summer. I stayed home to ease her transition and I am so glad I did. The wee babe had spent the last two days SCREAMING her little lungs out. We were thinking that she had an ear infection, no wait it was the gas, no wait she’s hungry, no wait she’s tired. The doctor says she’s fine - no sign of infection, etc, etc.

She gave a hint of this behavior during our trip to NHS&W. Picture a sad and sorry little baby crying and crying and crying while I tried to keep her away from people for fear of burning their ears. It was so sad and very sucky until she fell asleep in the sling. I felt horrible for her and I wasn’t able to enjoy too much of the festival up until that point. I realized that while she is pretty flexible and, in most cases, game for anything that I get really tired and it’s hard to keep the pace that I used to keep and do all the things that I used to like to do. Sigh. So. Many. Changes.

Thankfully there were many hands to help. Mama Cate took her at one point and worked some kind of baby whispering magic. Her magic gave Sophia about an hour of peace. Unfortunately during the worst of it I was woefully alone, until Cynthia walked by (*with Wanda who was in town, hi Wanda!*) and I just about attacked her and handed off the babe in order to get a bit of a break. My girls were in abundance and pushed the stroller (aka sherpa aka yarn carrier) around for me.
Other than that it was a great time. I got to shower love on Kellee and hung with my Teamies from Boston (uh, Jackie was supposed to join us but she was, get this, Hung Over…she swore she was going to rally and make it anyway. The reality of the situation bit her in the ass, we missed you!). I love these girls. There are no words for the level of comfort I feel with them. I am lucky indeed to have such great friends here in Boston and in Blog land. The festivals, especially NHS&W, is such a great opportunity to catch up with those in New England that I miss and love to hang out with. And all of this due to this here blog.

I picked up some more merino from Nick’s Meadow Farm (I’ll try to get a pic of it tonight). It is the yarn that I used in Sophia’s Kai Sweater…I absolutely love this yarn. I purchased enough to make another sweater for Sophia, this time a size larger for next winter. I also picked up some Wool (with a capital W to emphasize the how woolly it is) to make Soakers for baby. That’s it…I didn’t get a thing more. Unless you count all the fair food - there was a LOT of that.

Man, do I ever miss writing. The wee babe has been a bit grumpy these past few weeks. This leaves me with one free hand at best. When two do become available I have to tackle the “important” things in life. Like tax returns, showering, and eating. Blech. Oh, and then the comments went down on the site, again! My host is not such a great host.

On to the news of the day…
I am here for a very important request. I am fortunate the have a group of laydeees here in Boston that I adore absolutely and completely. I rarely speak of our forays because I am a lazy ass blogger. Today I ask you to spring into action and vote for our Dear Stitchy. She has been nominated for a Webby Award in the category “weird” (I can’t even begin to tell you how much joy I find in this fact. Stitch gave Sophia a card that said - “Life is Weird. Get used to it, Kid. In fact, Embrace it. Enjoy it. WALLOW in it. Weird is good.” The fact that she is nominated in the weird category is just perfect.)

Go here to vote. You have to register - it takes only a few minutes. If I can do this under the thumb of a screaming baby then you too can do it! It is your opportunity to Represent.

While you wait for your registration to be emailed to you go ahead and read this post…I love this girl.

Comments are still down. We are working to fix them, I have enlisted the help of my dad. It’s hard to fix and or do things that require more than a half hour of effort. Sophia is a good baby - sleeps well, eats well, plays well. But she’s a baby and being held during the day is her favorite past time. Waking up to eat is the highlight of her day! Interspersed with these moments I am trying hard to slow down and enjoy this time. This requires me to pare down my to-do list. The thank-you cards will get done, eventually, the blog posts will get written (eventually), bills will get paid (eventually). In the meantime baby gets fed, loved and relished and all is as it should be.

Sophia and I have been incredibly fortunate. My fellow knitters and bloggers have showered us with love in the form of comments, positive energy, and postal love. Postal love? We’re talking packages that warrant a kiss on the cheek of the mailman that delivered them. And this is saying something because our mailman is a weird-o who likes to stuff our mail into our box crumpled up one piece at a time.

Right before Christmas I received a package from Laura A. Laura has been a visitor on this here blog since the very beginning (and a bookish girl contest winner!). She is witty, funny, and an all around super cool human being. She recently started a blog herself. In lieu of commenting here go give the girl some love. She is an incredible knitter. How do I know this you ask? She sent Sophia not one, but two incredibly gorgeous sweaters, and a matching hat. The pure genius at work here is illustrated with the thoughtful inclusion of the yarn labels, extra yarn, and extra buttons. Dude, why have I never thought of that?! I have thanked her formally and now would love for you to see her handy work. The seams are georgie-ous.

Thank you again Laura! Sophia is just fitting into the green sweater and it’s perfect!  Here is a blurry action shot of her with my BFF Juli (who was here visiting and just left - boohoohoo).  Juli was boucing the girl into happiness so the sweater lump of puddin’ is a bit blurry.  I hope to get a better shot sometime soon.