Wednesday, June 18^th 2008

5:30am – wake up out of a dead sleep. Too early, back to bed

7:30am – wake up and think, why isn’t Sophia up yet? (she’s usually up at 7:15). Smell something burning, my sister must be making coffee. (She lives with us, did you know that?) Fall back asleep

8:00am – wake up and really wonder why S isn’t up. Make a move to get into shower quick before she wakes and realize that Rob is holed up in the bathroom with a book. (eh-hem.) A treasured time that I do not dare to interrupt, pick up my book and read for a bit.

8:15am – Sophia starts talking to herself. The bathroom door opens and I hear the shower turn on. Make a run for the bathroom to steal the shower from Rob – once he’s in there he NEVER gets out.

8:40am – Showered and dressed, bags ready by the door and Sophia is quite. I hate having to wake her up. As it turns out she was quietly playing in her crib. I love this about her. She loves her crib and loves to talk to her animals in the morning. We have a morning ritual of throwing her pacifier back into the crib and waving bye-bye to it.

8:45am – Struggle to get Sophia dressed. She’s been a bit crabbier lately as we are trying to ween her from her bottle. Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba

9:05am – Drop Sophia off at my parent’s house. We walk up the front walk and smell all the flowers in my mom’s garden. Sophia even smells the leaves!

9:08am – Get in the car and drive to work

9:40am – Walk into my office. Quick pull up some files to follow up on an issue that nagged me all night. Make oatmeal for breakfast.

10:00am – Weekly status meeting with my supervisor.

10:40am – Run back to office and continue to try and work on the nagging issue.

10:45am – My mom calls to tell me that Sophia is standing by the front door saying, “bye-bye, bye-bye”. My mom thinks that Sophia wants to go to my aunts. They were there yesterday afternoon. My aunt has in in-home daycare and Sophia has been spending more and more time there in transition for a full time transfer in mid-July. My mom is excited that Sophia seems to look forward to her time there.

11:00am – Meet with one of our study coordinators. She rocks, I love the people I work with.

11:40am – Eat a bagel and take a breather, read about Stephanie’s grand adventure in documenting Our Stories and Heidi’s Day in a Life and realize what a fabulous idea it is to do this annually. Start writing.

11:50am – My mom calls again to tell me that Sophia is gobbling up tuna fish. Mom, “Can she eat tuna? What about the mercury?” – we discuss.

12:05pm – Back to work on the nagging issues A, B, and C. (a lot of my work is nagging issues…but I love it most of the time, I’m like a detective at this point in my job).

1:26pm – So. Thirsty. Off to grab a drink and some food. I usually bring my lunch as I did today but it’s gross and I don’t want to eat it. Off to the crappy café.

1:38pm – Pizza and D.C. with a splash of lemonade. Yum. I work while I eat.

2:34pm – Realize that I haven’t changed my desktop background in awhile. Change it to this picture:

2:47pm – Mom calls to tell me that she and Sophia are headed to my Aunt’s. Sophia said ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ to me on the phone. She usually kisses the phone when we talk, but not today. Apparently she’s too busy sitting at her new picnic table (mom brought it into the house so she could sit at it while she read her books).

2:50pm – My sister called (she and I work at the same place). She is on her way to donate blood (there is a blood drive here today) for the first time. I told her that if I hear a MERT (Medical Emergency Response Team) called over the PA system I’ll know it was for her because she passed out in the hallway.

2:52pm – Back to work on nagging issues A, B, C, D, and E. Work is interspersed with IMing a friend…discuss reading, blogging and life.

4:15pm – Coffee Break, Hmmmm coffee. We are lucky to have very. yummy. coffee. in my building.

5:20pm - Field a series of phone calls from my mom, rob, my mom, rob…try to arrange pick up / drop off of baby.

5:34pm – Finish meeting with one of the Students that works with us. My brain hurts. Wonder if it’s time to go home yet.

6:05pm – NOW it’s time to go home. Phew. Call friend Emily on the way home to catch up. This time to talk with friends in far off places is a distinct advantage of commuting via car. I could never do this on a train.

6:35pm – Home to hugs from my baby girl. Man, do I miss her during the day. We spend the next 20 minutes dancing, playing, and cuddling. She is really in to twirling while she dances. It’s adorable. She is so much fun right now, it is an absolute joy to be her mother. Talk with Rob and catch up on our days.  He tells me that one of the little boys in my aunts daycare hauled off an hit Sophia making her cry.  Kids will be kids and this is precisely why I am sad to send her into this world.  She is about to embark into the world of relationships beyond the safety of those who are bound to her by blood.  It is a scary step for a mama.

6:55pm – During our Silly Play Sophia gets hurt. It is directly my fault (an accident) and I feel sick. She is fine – a small cut and bruise right between her eyes. But she cries for a good 10 minutes and I want to throw up. She hates ice or any other soothing element we try to give her. She just lets me hold her while she cries.

7:00pm – We head outside to find a distraction and it works! The flowers in our window boxes are growing. She helped me plant them a few weekends ago and we check their progress daily.

7:05pm – Dinner is served. I typically cook our meals but tonight my sister has made yummy portabello mushrooms on the grill. Sophia looses control again. My guess is that she is still hurting and is exhausted from her day. We rush through dinner to get her in to the tub and ready for bed.

7:35pm – The rushing didn’t work – we struggle to keep her this side of crying while we bathe her, get her in her pjs and up to rock for a bit until she falls asleep. Rob has largely taken over the bedtime ritual. For the past few months he has taken over the roll of rocker and bed time guru. But tonight I am still shaken up over hurting her and I need some extra time to snuggle. We rock and rock and rock until she falls asleep. And then we rock some more. She is getting to be so big. I put her bottles in storage the other day and almost cried. All the other stages and milestones I have been happy to see go to the wayside. I never really got emotionally about weaning her from nursing (which was done gradually and stopped at 13 months largely by her), her crawling (10 months), her walking (~14months), etc. I have a feeling from now on I will feel very differently about these little movements towards independence.

8:05pm – I do laundry, pay bills, address cards, and generally trim down the Paper Pile that is always threatening to take over our home. Rob helps. I eat gobstoppers while I work. I sigh a lot. Today is the kind of day that I do not like and one that happens more often than not. Too much time away from baby and too little time making her happy.

9:15pm – I write my daily blog entry for the day.

9:30pm - go upstairs to read and knit in bed until I fall asleep. I rarely have the energy to do much else at this point in the night. I am leaving for a small trip this weekend. My first time away from Sophia for more than 12 hours. I spend a fair amount of time considering how hard it is to imagine not seeing her every day. While I am super excited about going away and desperately need some time to myself I realize just how much she has changed me and how tightly we are tied together.

10:15pm – Turn out the light.

Kai Sweater before husband accidently felted it in the wash.

Kai Sweater after Husband accidently felted it in the wash.

I knit this for Sophia when she was still in the womb.   She wore it a ton.  It was the perfect size, the perfect weight, the perfect fit. Poor husband didn’t mean to do it.  My mother cleaned Sophia’s room and picked up all the cloths on the floor.  Unfortunately she didn’t notice the sweater and it made its way to the hamper where it was promptly washed by the husband.  We’re all a bit heartbroken.

Sigh.  I’m sure it will find another life as a sweater for Sophia’s dolls, bears, and other imaginary friends.

Taken last weekend at the Antique Boat Museum in the 1,000 Islands Region (one of my favorite places in the world).  Sophia’s hair is finally starting to grow.

I am wearing my favorite pre-preggers jeans for the first time since said pregancy commenced.

I am also wearing my pre-preggers bra for the first time.  Although, I think I may have been a bit ambitious here.  My cup overflowith - if you know what I mean.  Damn breastfeeding.

That is all.

(thanks for the bib Caro, you can see we clearly need it.)

i told my sister that i was super hungry yesterday and couldn’t figure out why.

she said, “maybe you’re pregnant again.”

i laughed for about 15 minutes.

pregnancy 101 - to get pregnant you must have sex.  to have sex you must have energy.  to have energy you must not have a one year old who hates to sleep.  to not have a one year old who hates to sleep you must not have sex.

see the problem?!  someone really fucked up on that design.

intelligent design my ass.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes! For both Sophia and itty bitty Will. For over a year now I have been trying to verbalize a very profound feeling. I just could not seem to get my head around the words. Wouldn’t you know - during the first few days of Motherhood, Juli did it for me.

Awhile back I asked Kellee to send Juli the XS sized diaper covers that I had lent her. Just as Johanna had lent some to me back when Sophia was a wee. Kellee not only sent the diaper covers but she sent a HUGE box of cloth diapers that B had outgrown and a bunch of cloths and other sundrees. HUGE. Just like Melanie sent me boxes and boxes of stuff Scarlett and Blu had grown out of. Now, Kellee hasn’t ever met Juli, it was an act of kindness and caring for another human being.

Juli’s first chance to look more carefully at the box only came this last week about 4 days into motherhood. Those of you that have been there know what that day is like. You’re exhausted, overwhelmed, you are grappling with your expectations and reality, you wonder how you can walk one more step. Throw a few hormones in there and it’s a perfect storm of clarity. Clarity? Yes. I believe for some reason stripping ourselves down to these basic elements of survival results in jewels of insight and clarity. The essential human feelings and needs come to the surface and, if you’re lucky, you have an opportunity to feel them more profoundly and vocalize them more perfectly than any other time in your life.

Back to Juli. They have had a VERY hard week. The baby boy is fine, doing great really. But Juli’s labor was difficult, she lost a lot of blood, she is weak. They are out of cloth diapers, and cloths, and just out of patience and energy. She and Chad (her husband) turn to the box. They look more closely. They both start to cry. Kellee had filled the box with cloth diapers that little B had outgrown, cloths, shoes, a baby carrier and various other items that you do not ever feel as though your going to need until the moment strikes and you find them as essential as a glass of water. Juli and Chad were overwhelmed with the love and caring sent through that box at that moment. Juli called me a few minutes later and told me about their experience. How perfectly timed the box was and what it did for them.

She said, “It wasn’t how large it was, it wasn’t what was specifically in it, it was just that someone cared enough to put it together and it was there right at the moment we needed it.”  A turning point.

That was it. That was the thought and feeling I had been struggling with for over a year.

You see, I have been the recipient of unbelievable kindness this past year. I speak specifically of blog kindness. I have received, emails, comments. I have received cards in the mail. I have received stunning handmade gifts for baby - bibs, booties, sweaters, blankets. I have received hand-me-downs, new beautiful cloths for her to wear. I have received thoughts, prayers and actions. All of these gestures were received by me and my family with the profound feeling of gratitude. I struggled with a way to show that gratitude. Do I publicly feature all of the gifts, stories, and love? Do I keep it private with a simple thank-you card? How do I reciprocate? How do I show how deeply each of these gestures - small and large - tangible and intangible meant to me and my family?

I just couldn’t find a way to do it that made me feel right. Publicly featuring them somehow did not work for me. I didn’t want to seem as though I was spoiled or entitled. I didn’t want to forget someone or something. I was unsure how to convey the meaning that a gift or a gesture brought. How they meant the same thing to me - they were both important. But yet, I felt like I should find a way to verbalize it - thank you all verbally and publicly.

Until Juli did it for me ( for the record - she is often doing this type of thinking for me, we have been friends for 18 years.)

“It wasn’t how large it was, it wasn’t what was specifically in it, it was just that someone cared enough to put it together and it was there right at the moment we needed it.”

Thank you - each of you - for putting together something for me and my family. Right when we needed it. I have received it all, even the prayers and thoughts. I reach for each item often - whether it be a tangible object or a comment that comes to surface in my head.

I cherish it all.

I truly appreciate it.

On this here day we have MUCH to be thankful for.

One year ago we were here.

Now we are here:

This babe is 1!!! We had a great day, party was last weekend. I’ll give you all the deets soon.

(thanks for the dress Melanie, two baby girls wore it on their Firsts! Sophia did Scarlett proud.)

As if that wasn’t enough reason to be thankful!…..

The world is one better. No, the world is one bestest. Meet Sophia’s future husband.

BFF Juli gave birth to Will at 11:57pm MT on January 31st. We were hoping she’d hold off so they two would share a birthday however, he had different ideas. He was 5 days late and gave his mama quite a run for her money - 24 hours of labor, 4 hours of pushing and - he’s here!!! Juli kicked ass and went through it all without any drugs. This is Juli’s first and I cannot wait to get out to meet him! We have a trip planned for the end of the month.

Check out the handknit! It’s a Clapotis, made by me for Juli to labor with, nurse with, and cuddle Will with! It looks awesome wrapped around him.

“Dude WHAT are you doing?!”

Our Sophia is now 9 months old. Actually, 9 months, 2 weeks. 17.5 lbs and 27 inches, shorty mc shortpants.

At this point I can honestly say that all of the advice, support and hugs you all gave me during those early days paid off. I made it. It was not an awful trip, but it was hard and difficult. It most certainly is not over but I can unequivocally say to those behind us that it DOES get better. Not only better - but AWESOME. (BTW - if you’re just finding me and a new mom check out the comments in some of the old posts - they are incredible.)

She is a blast. Funny, goofy, smiley, innocent, endearing, snuggly and incredible. She giggles, tells us “stories”, rolls and pushes herself around. She is always “giving” us stuff, although she doesn’t always like it when we take it from her. Ah, the nuances of being 9 months. She claps, waves bye-bye and pinches until her heart is content.

Yummy, Beans and Rice

She loves to eat - anything we give her she gobbles up. We have discovered that she loves watermelon in particular. Peas and Bananas aren’t far behind on the favorite list. She’s working on expanding her world. Pulling up, standing on our laps, pushing her voice to new octaves. She thinks the animals are hilarious and loves their kisses.

We bought a $6 car for her at a garage sale - her dad pimped it out for her with flame stickers and everything. She loves this car. She sits in it with her hands at 10 and 2 rocking back and forth until we make it go. It’s hilarious to see her cruising around the neighborhood with my mom behind. This is, by far, her favorite toy. She also loves her johnny jump up - she has taken to spinning herself silly in that thing.

The Little Banana (halloween costume) takes to the road

She still isn’t the greatest sleeper but she has improved. This has actually been the most difficult thing for me - the lack of sleep. We had quite a journey getting to the point we are at and I hope we made good decisions and continue to do the best we can do in this arena. Ahhh, sweet sleep.

Sleep? Who needs stinking sleep?!

We had her 9 month check up yesterday. The pediatrician (who was my pediatrician!) was asking the usual developmental questions. I mentioned that Sophia had started to throw temper tantrums. The Dr. looked at my with a grim face and said, “Already?!” Ha! Here we come world - stubborn, intelligent, curious, active, and passionate all words that will likely describe the adult Sophia. Incredible attributes in an adult woman - in a baby and toddler? Not so much.

She is an incredible traveller. Flexible, good humored and up for the adventure.

We must hike now Mama.

It has been an incredible joy to see the world through her eyes, to love her and hold her. We feel very lucky.